The Thanksgiving Project, Part Two: JUDGMENT DAY

I know the nature of blogging ruins multi-post jokes by putting the punchline on top of the set-up in most readers. For once, I want to see a bit scroll correctly on the actual blog's page. I guess it's my Thanksgiving gift to myself. Skip to the next chronologically newer post and then come back if you really care about spoilers.


You're very sweet if you really care about not ruining one of my stupid "humor" posts.

Oh, you. You're just trying to flatter me now.

OK, last chance to avoid seeing what Elana and I made to bring to multiple Thanksgiving dinners tomorrow.


BEHOLD, our invincible army of turkey-shaped carrot-cupcakes -- each one a super-soldier made of candyshell-almond heads, black-icing eyes, caramel neck joints, gummiworm wattles, honey-pretzel necks, cream-cheese-icing and sparkle-sugar skin, carrot-cake bodies, raisin-and-pineapple organs, dark- and white-chocolate-dipped pretzel-stick feathers with shredded-coconut highlights!

The Company of these recruits has already been broken down into three platoons currently preparing to storm and hold three familial beachheads tomorrow afternoon. Wait, is Thanksgiving too late for a Veterans Day military reference? Who cares? I HAVE FOUR DOZEN TURKEY-SHAPED CUPCAKES I DO AS I PLEASE NOW.

Bah, those cretins at the culinary institute LAUGHED at my groundbreaking theories of cupcake construction! But they're pay for their insolence!! Oh yes, they'll PAY WITH WHAT WILL REMAIN OF THEIR PANCREAS-ES!!! THE SUN HAS SET ON ITS FINAL BATCH OF INSULIN, FOOLS!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Listen, and understand. These cupcakes are out there. They can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. They don't feel pity or remorse. Or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are as wired on sugar and carbs as you will be drowsy on L-tryptophan tomorrow.

It turns out that the hardness of taking pictures in focus is directly proportional to how hard one is laughing while taking them. These are the least-fuzziest shots out of dozens I took. My face hurts.

"When you put your hand into a bunch of frosting that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do."

Happy Turkey Day, peoples.

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