I'm too classy to make a DIFF'RENT STROKES vs. HEM'RHAGES joke ... twice.

ON THE RIGHT TRACK is not a good film but it had an undeniable, lingering effect on me since I saw it as a child. I don't travel by trains much, but every time I'm in a train station I still imagine that I'd find Gary Coleman if I opened enough of the lockers.

Mr. Coleman's recent death changes nothing in my little fantasy, except make the resulting tableau a little grosser as the years pass from here on.