Interesting Science Wednesday

Little-known fact: Of all of the millions of species on this Earth, only male Silverback Gorillas are able to finish masturbating after a non-mate unwittingly walks in on them en onania res.

An even lesser-known fact: The Silverbacks are also unique in that they will hold and maintain eye contact while spanking it. I know this because I interrupted a Silverback's Me time once when I stumbled into an alpha male named Eddie when I worked as a gorilla-house techie at a zoo.

It was the most intimidating moment in my life; not because he was twice my size and could easily tear me to pieces in a rage -- he was, and we both knew it -- but because it's humbling to receive prolonged eye contact from anyone who's masturbating when you know that you're not-at-all what's on the diddler's mind even as he jerks away and stares at you.

As intimidation ploys go, "masturbation with expressionless staring" has to be the nuclear option -- the kind of thought that should only be accessible from a "football" containing NORAD codes, and maybe a Dead Man's Trigger too.

(sent from the phone)

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