The 700th step on the last road home.

No more calls please.

The MyFriendsterSpace and IM messages, email and blog-comment votes for a new band name have been tallied, and we somehow wound up with a five-way tie for first:

Beta-Ray Bill-Pay
The Crapples
Good Ol' Charlie Ives
The Little Man Organization
This Soccer Field Was a Mass Grave

Once the band gets its tonics together, we'll declare a winner. Thank you all for your votes and comments.

Two more entirely nonshocking online-quiz results

This web version of the Baron-Cohen autism-quotient test doesn't have any spiffy html coding for copy & pasting, but it does have a few interesting nuggets of information, like that the average control-group score was 16.4 in its first major trial. I scored a 45. That means I win, right?

I like how sensitive this survey's diagnosis is; the bound clown is a charming touch:

Take the quiz:
Your Psych-Ward diagnosis

Diagnosis: Autism. A developmental disability resulting from a neurological disorder that affects the normal functioning of the brain. It is characterized by the abnormal development of communication skills, social skills, and reasoning. Symptoms, which vary widely in severity, include impairment in social interaction, fixation on inanimate objects, inability to communicate normally, and resistance to changes in daily routine.

Quizzes by -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Hans Asperger Syndrome Disorder or Autism. Hans Asperger was an Austrian pediatrician whom discovered Autism in 1939. Kim Peek (gentleman whom inspired the movie "Rain Man"). Temple Grandin, Ph.D. Book called "Emergence: Labeled Autistic" Dr. Grandin suffers from Autism. FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH AUTISM: Jim Henson, Howard Hughes, Queen Victoria,Albert (Prince Consort),John Forbes Nash, Jr. & son, Charles Schultz, Benjamin Franklin,Al Gore,Jane Austen.Sir Issac Newton,Albert Einstein,Woody Allen,Vincent Van Gogh,Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,Thomas Jefferson,Bill Gates,Ludwig Van Beethoven,Alexander Graham Bell,Emily Dickinson,Sir Francis Bacon,Henry Ford,Thomas Edison,Henry Thoreau,Mark Twain,Brian Wilson,John Lennon,George Harrison,Edgar Allen Poe,Walt Disney,Leonardo Da Vinci,Ernest Hemingway,Mariel Hemingway,Andy Warhol,John Denver,Andy Kaufman,Winston Churchill,Alfred Hitchock,W.C. Fields,Lewis Carroll,Neil Young,Tom Smothers,Bob DylanHans Christian Anderson,Crispin Glover,John F. Kennedy,Robert Kennedy,Galileo,James Taylor. So as you can see famous or not rich or poor, Autism does not discriminate. Autism is not contagious but love is... o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

I need a new band name

Here are 24 candidates; comment below or email me your top 12 suggestions. Voting ends Wednesday the 17th.

Acelere Atacar Velocidad
The Afghan Proxies
Ass Vomit
Beta-Ray Bill-Pay
The Big Ass Heat
The Book-Book

The Charles Bonnet Syndrome
The Crapples [an Oasis cover band]
Duc Duc Goose
The Fugitive Polygamists
Gamera Is Merely Misunderstood
Good Ol' Charlie Ives [a jazz combo plays his simpler compositions]

Homo Diddley
Jewish Lightning
The Little Man Organization
The MySpace Whores

No Opening Act
Steven Colbert's Asymmetrical Ears
Third-Fastest Shredders
This Soccer Field Was a Mass Grave
TONITE, ONE SHOW ONLY: A Monkey Craps In a Bucket
The Ultimate Fake Bookers

The 689th step on the last road home.

[Not Really] OTR MP3 #08-09

It's been a while since I've said it, but Paul Gilbert is awesome. How awesome, you ask? This awesome. That he intentionally maintains such a personal, junky website should be an inspiration to us all.

[Previous Old Time Radio files: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six and Seven.]

See, this is what happens when you procrastinate in writing about David Lee Roth's radio show. That was a link to the show's "podcast" page, which was more a clip page of [what I hope was] the least-embarrassing segments from Diamond Dave's broadcasts. His conversation with fellow rich, assholic meathead Todd McFarlane yielded perhaps the greatest minutes of commercial radio since the LOVELINE episode David Alan Grier guested after discovering that his sweetie-sweetums had been BANGING HALF OF HOLLYWOOD. Although the LL episode is intentionally funny and sad.

Speak of the devils, or: Hey kids, links! I just so happened across links to both the Dave & Toddster Colloquium and that historic night [September 25, 2002] in Los Angeles that DAG mended his broken heart by SAVING THE BABIES for two hours, less commercial breaks.

April Spam

654 messages in my Spam folder last month; here are the highlights:


Annabelle Link [Apr 28]
Gerardo Champagne [Apr 26]
Gustavo Stokes [Apr 21]
Malachi Bell [Apr 17]
Shipbuilder S. Cougar [Apr 15]
Deplane V. Gaslight [Apr 14]
Streaked K. Charting [Apr 12]
Bedside F. Pursued [Apr 10]
Cornell V. Mud [Apr 10]
Muscat M. Hamlet [Apr 8]
Vicars J. Canvasser [Apr 8]
Quirking B. Intestines [Apr 7]
Scanner M. Insane [Apr 6]
Migrated K. Tun [Apr 6]
Goodies D. Emasculation [Apr 6]
Undersold D. Descant [Apr 5]
Republicans F. Federalism [Apr 5]
Choreograph V. Decorous [Apr 5]
Uthman Shackleford [Apr 3]
Politicked P. Shoshone [Apr 3]
Computerizes D. Gentlest [Apr 2]
Galoshing U. Flibbertigi. [Apr 2]


yesterdays chance is todays dream. [Apr 29]
Meridia ltol help get in that bikini [Apr 24]
What IS 0EM Software And Why D0 You Care? [Apr 22]
Yolur approlval clode [Apr 22]
Propellerhead Reason 2.5 Propellerhead Reason 3 [Apr 10]
She will be yours with the first blow of the wind that will blow the smell of your Ultr... [Apr 6]


SAD TO HAVE SHORT D1CCK, BIGGER 2" NOW AT LOW thats - not disappoint explain benefit. added nothing suddenly. few nothing anything we drew love [Apr 21]

Buy OEM Software - By the time Scarlett had undressed and blown out the candle, her plan for tomorrow had worked [Apr 20]

re[16]: - Then don't do it. fragmentation crucifixion millipede recusant nrc flirtatious beyond goodman [convex carven cloy mockery cologne kronecker hoe blur disk drown bedstraw fluorine arginine blest hanley headline serpentine chinch toroidal alpine eradicate console himalaya seldom vehicle laborious sunny javelin elite vowel cheerleader guggenheim .gif] [Apr 20]

Last chance to supercharge your performance! - Impersonation made one issue blunder though because he had skimped a bit on his ambiquous [Left.gif] [Apr 18]

Ratess will skyrocket soon - in pervert may waddle the degeneracy a is not playroom or seize but fraser the penguin or [speedwell.gif] [Apr 17]

re [17] - He raised his head. railhead mae hypochlorite allocate ill camp descendent apollo usable solute [brahms diffuse casket yow porcupine eli edge jerry periodic dovekie crimp stem apart lavish .gif] [Apr 13]

Buyer beware - Penis patches! - Hey man, here's that s1te I was telling you about. They are offering huge discounts now on [Apr 13]

Are you ready for the new, extremely pleasant and irresistible adventures in bed? - Very sad German stat1stics s@y in average that men older than 60 have sex only once a month. With [Apr 11]

Your sperm will be thankful to you if you order Spermamax. - To ach1eve something in your life, you need to have a child. If you have any problems with [Apr 10]

Pre-approved Application #QJ697437 - or prop and volcanism it hiatus try centrifugate not rapture and christlike it duet or parole in [bootleg.jpg] [Apr 8]

Pre-approved Application #25546941 Sat, 08 Apr 2006 10:40:49 -0600 - a shrive on pacifism some corporeal it's beardsley it's familial the basil a lepidolite a [harangue.gif] [Apr 8]

Ratess approved - or droplet see griddle but johnny some carpet the lizard or velours in onward some adapt the [cloudburst.jpg] [Apr 8]

Re-finance before rates skyrocket - intolerant be picket try bathos ! utensil some circular may corrode or befell on lipschitz [lithuania.gif] [Apr 7]

you have 7 unread messages from ladies - Dear member of our Dating site! Please, look here for New unread messages from ladies Best wishes [1.jpg,2.jpg] [Apr 6]

Hey man, you ever try pheromones? - Hey sweetie, you wanna attract chick at the club? Try Ultra Allure pheromones! -Attract women of [Apr 4]

Urgent Notification #0426126417604232 - but lose a moth on butternut and starboard be sophomore and castigate but ozone in shoehorn see [pyknotic.jpg] [Apr 4]

re[14]: - So I prayed. djakarta typhoid citrus barr blare eater bloc shift insular fahey cationic [abode burdock either paramilitary j scandium infect creed decant deep blather .gif] [Apr 3]

re [17] - I'll give you five seconds to decide. jacm begetting miscellany armour sly typhon managerial … [boss madstone augend vet systematic domingo irreplaceable dacca danbury dilemma paradise mph tense squirrel extensor shorthand piraeus strait droll chop gratuitous houghton accra libertine terre edict staid cuttlefish this'll abbe academia cattlemen burglarproof swenson bombproof presumed capacious .gif] [Apr 1]

The 681st step on the last road home.

My nerd pals complain I don't post about comics nearly enough.

No one will ever know if any side of the Taki Soma-Charles Brownstein Mid-Ohio Con hot-tub incident is the truth -- Soma's, Brownstein's, Ken Lillie-Paetz', Soma's handlers', the Columbus Special Victims Unit's, the CBLDF's independent investigator's [the telephone-game-like distortions and hyperbolic alternate scenarios that the messboard morons continue to shit out don't count] -- but two things about this whole cluseterfuck are clear:

1.] Ronee Garcia Bourgeois and Buzzscope should publicly apologize to and/or be sued by everyone unduly harmed by her criminally irresponsible writing. No one, not even a Friend of Lulu, is so dimwitted to have written so much scattergun slander without malice.

2.] Fan Justice serves Justice about as well as Fan Fiction serves Fiction.

The 680th step on the last road home.