Fifty more random thoughts, 51-100


51. Banging out 100 random thoughts has taken longer than I expected, so to close the gap in time for the Westmorerland blog's second anniversary today, I'm doing 50 random thoughts about stuff from this last year.

52. It didn't hurt to make the LAST ROAD HOME text smaller.

53. Making a three-column blog template is a pain in the ass.

54. The more text you bang out about a given Epiphone-model guitar, the less time until you wind up buying one.

55. Many men want to see upskirt photos of Carmen Miranda's cooch, but not enough to pore through my archives for the posts that actually have them.

56. Speaking of wank-material Google searches, far more people have a Jackie Kennedy pink-suit fetish than I think I care to know. And I say that as a man who shares their fetish.

57. International "Record Your Cat Reacting To 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" Day is my new favorite holiday.

58. Fighting Endemic Treponematosis is easy; writing up eBay auctions to fund it is hard.

59. Using math to underline how perverted people are is fun yet boring.

60. I should post much more senryu.

61. Sitting in front of a computer screen in a dark room will eventually blind you for a few months.

62. I clearly enjoy spam poetry/nonsense more than I should, since it got me flagged as a spambot multiple times.

63. Everyone likes the Tribute to Wildcat, but my Dead Presidents ramble still makes me laugh.

64. I never did check out that Image Comics tribute to me, THE PORTENT. Eh, whatever.

65. It's taken me over a year to scan and post just a couple month's worth of Sunday-comics & advice-column mashups.

66. I'm no closer to owning one of those awesome Nejishiki wind-up walkers than I was the day I discovered them.

67. The dirty bastards at Quark and Symantec will never see another dime from me or anyone I know well enough to yell at.

68. You can never post too much or too often about Fender's Mary Kaye Stratocaster, even if you really did buy a Kaye-finished Limited Edition Epi Wildkat Deluxe, just as you feared.

69. Short of Microsoft or Apple inventing a web browser that can actually bring the user to orgasm, Firefox has won that war.

70. Actually, even if they invent an orgasmer, it would only be a matter of time before some enterprising nerd improved on its design and posted it as a free FF plug-in.

71. I swear I didn't intentionally make the FireFox-orgasm thought number 69; I wrote them first and numbered them second. Except for this one, which I added after I saw what 69 was.

72. I really should start mp3 blogging, since those are the main [some days the only] kind of blog I visit these days.

73. Gojira's fans are far and few, but they have large Paypal accounts.

74. Tomas Pottawatta would have turned 65 today. Rest in peace, buddy.

75. I wonder if Blogger-by-Mail or its photo-blog setup finally works with my phone.

76. This blog being deliberately confusing and annoying isn't as funny as it used to be. Even I have a hard time finding anything.

77. "Iron" Mike "Steel" Sterling still has not reviewed the copy of RUDY IN HOLLYWOOD I let him win on eBay, that dirty, magnificent bastard.

78. I still haven't written about the glorious incompetence and weirdness of the Lisa Loeb reality show #1 SINGLE.

79. Another year done of not taking moody, authorial photos of myself to post to my moblog.

80. Little Man is a million times more photogenic anyway, even when he's caught licking his ass.

81. I should scan in some of the Bush & Cheney caricatures I drew when my eyesight was really fucked up. They amuse me, at least.

82. How many weblogs have to go under before people finally accept that posting hype for friends' projects is the sugar in the gas tank for a snark blog?

83. As God is my witness, I will never embed a YouTube video in one of my posts here.

84. I don't think God actually exists, but I'll probably never embed a vid regardless.

85. Given the choice between the revenue from Google Ads or a literal carrot on a stick, I'll grasp wildly at the carrot. Even if both were actually within reach, the carrot would be more valuable.

86. I really should start giving some serious thought to launching a proper Web site and bringing all of my dumb online crap together.

87. Why is it that so many Asian blogs have a real-time user chat window in its sidebar, but you never ever see them used on a Yankee Bluejeans blog?

88. It's curious that bell & whistle technology for blogs seems to have plateaued, despite their popularity going through the roof.

89. It was awesome to see Senator Feingold quote from a Glenn Greenwald post at the Judiciary Committee hearing yesterday.

90. The Senate's nice and all, but I'm saving myself for an address to the full U.N. assembly about the dangers of Endemic Treponematosis.

91. Looking at my SiteMeter stats: This blog is much loved in Norway and Finland.

92. You can write as much as you humanly can about topics you know and care deeply about, but it will not attract more eyeballs than a gay marriage photo of Bert & Ernie can.

93. I came out of the autistic closet at the right time, although it seems I forgot to post my outage last April.

94. I really gotta get on the stick eBaying my comics library off.

95. FYI, there is only one more shopping day until International "Record Your Cat Reacting To 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" Day.

96. Even in a field as forgiving of hamfisted marketing as comics, no one in his right mind uses Team Comics ploys and appeals to sell you anything other than a Bill of Goods.

97. Why don't right-wingnuts rave about Black Helicopters anymore?

98. Can anyone tell me the episode title or number of the CSI ep where the bland forensic scientists have to "put together the pieces" after a caricature of some weirdo sub-culture is found dead? Or what episode of 24 has that scene where someone's tortured and actually gives up some useful, possibly vital information? Or the name of the HOUSE episode where the brilliant doctors can't help their patient until things get really dire because they keep getting lied to about something embarrassing in the patient's past that's causing the illness now?

99. Thinking of 100 random but post-worthy thoughts is harder than you would think. Try it and see.

100. My present to myself for the anniversary will be a copy of Marvel Masterworks Fantastic Four Vol 10 Ltd. Ed HC (#62) and my present to you and you and, well ... OK, you but not you, prick, but yes for the guy next to you and the girl in the green dress who's standing behind that guy, is this: A link to a Star Wars site that probably causes brain damage. I can't tell if it's all an elaborate fantasy [like a huge meta-Mary Sue story], a prank finely mixed with fact, or all terrifyingly real. Enjoy, regardless.

The 647th step on the last road home.

I think I remember why I haven't done one of these in a while. Oy.

You are an assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your

job without mixing any emotions in it. In

your life you have probably been hurt many

times and have gotten some mental scars. This

results in you being distant from people.

Though many think that you are evil, you are

not. What you really are is a person, trying

to forget your pain and past. You are the

person who never seems to care and that is

why being an assassin fits you good. Atleast,

that's what people think. Even if you don't

care that much for your victims, you still

have the ability to care and to generally

feel. It is not lost, just a little

forgotten. In crowds you tend to not get to

noticed, and dress in black or other discrete

colours. You don't being in the spotlight and

wish people would just leave you alone. But

once you do get close to someone you have a

hard time letting go and get real down if you

loose him/her.

Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around

us to keep out the sadness also keep out the

joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

The 646th step on the last road home.

Fifteen more random thoughts, 36-50


36. I really have faked all my orgasms. Sorry folks.

37. The lines and marks on a gym's floor endlessly fascinate me. I nearly failed every gym class that required anything more than good attendance because I was interested in the floor not whatever the class was doing.

38. I see colors when I read certain words, and hear sound when I see certain colors.

39. While brushing my teeth, I rhythmically brush and open my mouth to "play" the wah-wah guitar hooks of old soul music. My favorites are the Temptations' "Cloud Nine," War's "The World Is A Ghetto" and Isaac Hayes' themes for SHAFT and TRUCK TURNER. I often wonder if Charles "Skip" Pitts does the same thing when he brushes his teeth.

40. I spent about a month of the second grade in Special Education class, but got pulled out just the end of the semester; I was happy to leave, but I wish I could have found out what kind of grades I made in Retard Class.

41. The only way we'll get the real Fourth Estate back is if the bulk of Newspapers become independent, non-profit enterprises. If they really are dying, it's their profit motive that's killing them, not the Internet.

42. "John C. Carter" is a manlier, more heroic name than "Charlton Heston."

43. It's amazing how right-wingnuts and their/the media are falling over themselves to take Zacarias Moussaoui at his word, despite his story not making a lick of sense. Funny how his right-hand man on the hijacking just happens to be Richard Reid, the other high-profile terrorist in custody, even though Reid wasn't even in the country at the time. I'm sure if Moussaoui had rounded out his planned team with John Walker Lindh, Jose Padilla and Cat Fucking Stevens, they would have dutifully and endlessly reported that as fact too.

44. Actually, it's not that surprising that the media is reporting this clearly deranged man's claim that way; they seem to like it when a foreign terrorist talks like one of our politicos, only this time tools like Tucker Carlson won't crow and giggle about how much Moussaui's testimony has read like a laundry list of Republican 9/11 talking points. [One of the big differences being that Osama Bin Laden didn't have a damn stun belt around his waist when he gave a speech that sounded just like voiceovers from one of that fatass limousine liberal Michael Moore's movies.]

45. Not since the O.J. Simpson trial has the state so badly bungled their attempt to frame a guilty black man.

46. Given a choice between a leech eating my brain or one feeding on its blood, I find the idea of idea of one sucking my brain's blood more disturbing. If it ate some of my brain, the odds are fairly good it would leave me too fucked up to care, but if it just gorged itself on blood and then dropped off my cortex, I could live a long life with my faculties intact .... always remembering that A LEECH ONCE SUCKED BLOOD OUT OF MY BRAIN.

47. Leeches are one of the few invertebrate that nurse their young.

48. You can revise your writing until it's actually smarter than you are, but your natural, unguarded laughter will always betray your true IQ.

49. Creations are more important than creators, because the arts are media not clubs.

50. Despite his name, Snagglepuss was a remarkably smooth, handsome cat. He's the metrosexual Billy Dee Williams of Hanna-Barbera.

The 645th step on the last road home.

Sunday Mash 14

Click the above panel for the full strip, stupid.

Belatedly submitted for your approval; a mash-up of the November 1994 Sunday comics section titled ... "You should've heard the noise it made when it hit the wastebasket."

[The index revious mashes and other comicsy wastes of time can be found here. Don't give me any crap about my poor organizing skills.]

The 643rd step on the last road home.

Five more random thoughts, 31-35


31. So, one of the military K-9 handlers has been found guilty of abusing prisoners at Abu Ghraib. If Military Justice rises no higher than the grunts who did the dirty deeds that they were ordered to commit, the courts might as well arrest and try the dog for all the difference it would make.

32. Never trust a hippie who can qualify for a Platinum credit card.

33. Never listen a band that offers ringtones on their web site.

34. I was at the Post Office the other day, returning some damaged Xbox games I bought online. The clerk asked me if I wanted to insure the package -- is there anything breakable in the box? The vendor asks that all returns be insured, so I said I wanted insurance on it. Are the contents fragile? Um, they were, I guess. Normally, I don't care about be reimbursed for postage on returns, but I think this time my ego demands some restitution for the stupified look on the clerk's face when I told him I wanted to insure a box of broken crap against damage in transit.

35. I think I've had an assful of current-affairs shows that are formatted like sports programming. As much as I enjoyed yesterday's episode of TO THE POINT, especially Glenn Greenwald's and John Dean's contributions, that most of the show's discussion felt framed so that the guests would handicap the fate of the republic like it was a fucking football game between the Republicans and Democrats made me queasy.

The 637th step on the last road home.

Five more random thoughts, 26-30


26. There are no indigent Scientologists.

27. Beware the Ides of March, Senator Clinton; you will probably not get my vote in November and certainly not in 2008.

28. See my finger, see my thumb, see my fist, you better run; Ess oh see kay, eye tee, sock it to me, baby, my head is aching, your bra's too tight, don't make me think about anthracite; you won the game, now you think you're hot, but we'll win the fight in the parking lot. Let's go -- uh!

29. I had a dream the other day about Dr. Strangelove doing his part to repopulate the Earth in a bunker sperm bank's ejactulatorium. Is masturbation as entertainingly dangerous for a man suffering from agonistic apraxia as my subconscious says it is?

30. From now on, I will use the name "Dr. Joseph Kickass" [pronounced "kic-kass," and please, call me Joe] for all reservations, especially places with PA systems like Chuck E Cheese ["Kickass party, your pizza is ready."] and reasonably classy restaurants ["Kickass, party of two"]. I'm now old and respectable-looking enough that so long as no one with me breaks up, I'll never get busted for crap like this ever again.

The 631st step on the last road home.

Bookmark cleaning, part 34

Possibly more for my benefit than yours, but:

The Possibly Complete Kure Kure Takora and a surprisingly informative fan site.

If the GATCHAMAN DVD series craps out one more time, I'm just going to buy these laserdisc dubs of GATCH II and GATCH FIGHTER and relearn Japanese. Maybe buy that place's sets of GOLION and whatever MANZINGER series had the female robot with breast rockets while I'm at it.

If this Gilbert Gottfried DVD has his brain-damagingly great "Bela Lugosi does 'Who's on First?'" bit, it is the greatest comedy film that will ever be made.

The glory of Arj & Poopy. See also, Cat & Girl. I bet this local angry man would be a lot happier if he checked both out.

New-to-me MP3 Blogs/sites:,,,, Superman OTR serial, archive,

Also, the MIDI Transformer a snazzy article on old-time-radio sound effects and a quite informative piece on my favorite OTR show, INFORMATION PLEASE.

Classic-Videogame History. Videogame theme tab transcription for guitar. GTA Domain.

Movies I recently saw a fragment of and would like to see again: Thousands Cheer, Step Lively and The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

I enjoy the GROUNDHOG DAY-like pattern this messboard thread has. Who knew there were so many people crazed to find sheet music for "The Lonely Man" theme from the 70s INCREDIBLE HULK TV show?

Gallery sites/pages: Coop's blog, Japanese Psychiatric Art, even more pulp art, Scary kids, more WWII propaganda art [including this Milt Caniff-drawn how-to, Sleater-Kinney Concert Review Archive and vintage ads.

Assorted Wiki pages [and my attempts to remember why I bookmarked them]: Dogme 95 [I think to look through the previous edits sometime to see if the model DV camera they used to specify for a "pure" Dogme film was listed; it was smart of them to delete that clause], Andrzej Gołota [I saw a documentary on this palooka and his cock-punching shenanigans.], Electra Complex [Loveline reference, probably], Publius Syrus [no doubt Cryptiquoted], Charles Camille St. Saens [I remembered the Stravinsky meltdown, but wanted to cross-reference if a piece of his "Omphale's Spinning Wheel" was used as THE SHADOW radio show's theme. It was.]

I will eventually rally enough gumption to convert this blog to a three-column template, with the LAST ROAD links on one side and everything else on the other. [Unless, of course, someone else would like to do it for me.]

I've been intermittently reading chapters of HOW TO READ A BOOK after suffering relapses of Great Books Mania.

What's your IP address?

Best Raspberry and Lemon butter cookie snaps, ever.

Another sure-fire crowd-pleasing Mary Kaye Stratocaster link.

Something to do on a Friday night in the middle of nowhere

Look up key locations in Chuck Berry's life:

The house he was born in.

The Cosmopolitan Club, now a vacant lot.

His first post-rise-to-stardom house. Gated community, lotsa trees, very upper middle-class.

More or less where Berry Park is/was.

Here's one for the nerds: The Pasadena mansion used for Wayne Manor in the 1966 BATMAN TV show.

six-string snotiness

Many people [five] have asked me, if not comic books, then what do I read on the toilet? To three of those five, I tell them the truth: I flip through musical instrument catalogs. My favorites are Lark in the Morning [very informative about all sorts of world instruments, despite the shitty, half-assed setup work they do on their stock] and Musicians Friend [lotsa nice pictures, easiest to play Billionaire Bathroom Shopping Spree* with].

I received a catalog from another company the other day; its selection is tremendously impressive, but its copyediting was, well. Here are some examples of things I chuckled at.

Is the Epiphone Casino in this photo supposed to be Cherry, Natural or Vintage Sunburst in color? It looks Robin's Egg Blue to me.

I've worked on and seen enough catalogs being assembled to know that sometimes you just can't get an image of the actual item. But on the same page, there's an Epi WildKat that's nearly the same color! More of a light green-blue, sure, but no closer to the model's available Antique Natural or Translucent Black finishes. Still this one deserves some slack for the copy "ride it high and spank it." Now that's a projection attractor.

Also on the same page: If you have more money and Beatlemania than sense, you can shell out a few grand for a Korean-made replica of John Lennon's Casino, either before or after he stripped the paint off it. Companies always jack the price up on signature models, but what this Epiphone distinguishes itself from the pack by coming with its own shroud [?!?!?!].

This one, however, is the best; I'm always game for giggling at its/it's fuckups. You would think someone in production would have noticed that it's used both ways and one of them has to be wrong.

* You pretend to be a billionaire; flipping through a catalog, you pick two things on each page spread to buy, sight-unseen. Not one thing, not three things; two things. You're rich as fuck, so price is not an issue, but you have to pick as fast as possible; if the catalog is a big one, you may lose a leg from sitting on the toilet for so long. I hear Charlie Sheen loves the game so much that he set up some legit credit-card accounts under a different name so he can play it for real. Even when I had money, the idea of buying that much stuff at once made my stomach turn; I prefer that what's picked in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.

Zen and The Art of Bad Customer Service

Last month: I was out of printer ink. A writer friend raved about an online ink vendor he had discovered and gave me a discount coupon I could use for my first order. I cut the order, the ink arrived a week or so later but the invoice shows the undiscounted total. I emailed the company's CS department about the discrepancy and ask for a payback if I was charged for the wrong total. Accidents happen, right? Here's the complete response from one of their "customer care representatives":

sorry you order this back in 2003 we are very sorry for that...

thannks for ordering from 123 inkjets

It's almost zen-like in its senselessness, almost a senryu in its meter.

I'm too baffled/delighted by it to press further for any clarification or redress if I paid full-price for my printer ink. [By the way, The ink's not that great and it's far stinkier than the real cartridges; I would only order from 123 again so I could email them and see if I get more unhelpful poetry.]

The 627th step on the last road home.

Five more random thoughts, 21-25


21. C.S. Lewis, Aldous Huxley and John F. Kennedy died on November 22, 1963.

22. Crispin Glover would be awesome as the lead in a new Flash Gordon movie. Playing Flash as Alex Raymond & Co.'s original polo-playing, subtly eccentric hero; no "HEY YOU! GETCHER DAMN HANDS .... off ... her .... =squeak= .... No, Ming ... y-you leave her alone" irony.

23. You have to wonder when the mid-1960s live recordings of Chuck Berry, fresh from his first prison term and hungry for a comeback, rocking the Great Lakes area with the Funk Brothers as his back-up band will finally be commercially released. Those tapes just have to be shit-hot.

24. Edward "Blackbeard" Teach, Jack London, Shemp Howard, Mae West, Scatman Crothers, Anthony Burgess and Michael Hutchence all died on Nov. 22 as well.

25. While I'm throwing some date-history stuff out, today's the centennial of the "Moro Crater Massacre," a charming but widely forgotten little war crime the U.S. committed a few years after President Roosevelt had his own "Mission Accomplished" moment regarding the Philippine-American War. Try not to draw parallels, I dare you.

The 625th step on the last road home.