Where Have They Gone, All the Beautiful Guitars of Our Siblings?

One of the stranger things about the guitar business is its brutally severe lemming effect; for a year or two, every major guitarmaker pumped out a battery of 7-string models [a regular six-string with an extra bass string, tuned to B or A], then they dropped the sevens cold in favor of flooding the market with baritones [a longer-necked guitar that's tuned about dead center in the octave separating a standard and a bass guitar].

Before the Seven-string mania, I recall a long period where music stores were filthy with reissues of classic guitar models [Fender's 1956 Stratocaster and '52 Telecaster, Gibson's '59 Les Paul Standard and their Korina-wood models, a small explosion of replica Danelectro guitars and basses, etc.] many of which were distressed by machine to appear 40-odd years old. Players happily paid thousands of dollars for a faded, scratched and discolored brand-new guitar; I imagine these people pulling out their duct-tape wallet [which they didn't make, but bought at the mall] out of their pre-faded, "broken in" jeans to pay for their new old guitar.

But what's especially odd is how these new models disappear entirely from the marketplace when they're discontinued; once the last new models are sold, it's almost like they never existed. Sure, you can find lots of North American stores that sell vintage guitars and lots that sell brand-new ones, but none that specialize in non-vintage used models. I discovered this while searching recently for a "Vintage Natural" finished Schecter Jazz-7 archtop for myself and a Dano 32-fret Guitarlin for my pal Mari's birthday. Even eBay doesn't have either model very often, and never particularly appealing ones.

Epiphone made a 7-String and a 12-String Les Paul around the same time. I went to a music store that's been an Epi retailer for 15 years the other day; the guitar clerk -- who, granted, was a total putz -- insisted that the company has never ever ever made either model. They did make some baritone Pauls, which the store probably still get me if I wanted to "actually buy something." That dick is lucky I didn't ask him about a truly esoteric model, like the semi-hollow Les Paul ES; his head would have exploded.

[I actually had a dream last week that I was playing the also-discontinued Epiphone EB-1 Fretless bass; considering its puny scale length and that huge neck humbucking pickup, my subconscious' EB-1 undoubtedly sounded a lot better than the real instrument, and it really didn't sound that good in my mind.]

So, where are all those recently made guitars? They can't all be collecting dust in the closets of their original owners; there aren't enough closets in this world to house just the abomination that fueled a thousand cock-rock power ballads, the "super strat" -- much less hold all the replica classics, budget/student starters, signature models, baritones, seven-strings and rank & file models produced in the last ten years. It's a mystery.

The 311st step on the last road home.

Sunday Comic Strip #5

This is probably my favorite of all these mash strips: Another week-spanner, starring Andy Capp, Blondie & Dagwood, Calvin & Hobbes, Charlie Brown & Snoopy, Dennis the Menace, Garfield & Odie, Grimm, The Lockhorns, Marmaduke and Shoe. I'd like to think the pink paper was done intentionally.

With due apologies to the original artists, we present "Leroy Says He Likes The Fruit," August 28-September 4 1994.

The 308th step on the last road home.

SquirrelNation: Bamboozled by Humans

This may be the one time I don't mind if my loyal Squirrels didn't follow my commands to the letter; I hope none of youse sent this stinker money:

TOP COMICS AREN'T LAUGHING AS FBI INVESTIGATES CANCER SCAM

Comedy stars from Jimmy Kimmel to Andy Dick came to the aid of fellow comic Mark Cohen and his girlfriend Christine Anderson when she said she was battling cancer, and celebrities raised more than $40,000 to help pay her medical bills. But they weren't laughing when they found out they might have been scammed - Anderson, a Las Vegas showgirl, may not have had cancer after all!

I SMELL A RAT

The 32-year-old mother of three, who appeared in the "Rat Pack is Back" revue in Vegas, "puts the 'Rat' in 'Rat Pack,'" said one comic who helped raise the money. Another declared: "I think she's a total fraud!" Last August, Anderson claimed she could no longer work because she had been diagnosed with a serious form of cervical cancer. Her fellow cast members organized a benefit show through a nonprofit organization called Vegas Cares, founded by "Rat Pack" co-star Doug Starks. Headlined by comic Rita Rudner, magician Lance Burton and singer Clint Holmes, the show raised more than $5,000 for Anderson. CARING COMICS Then Budd Friedman of the Improv comedy club in Hollywood staged a star-studded benefit hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, featuring comics Andy Dick, Kevin Nealon, Bob Odenkirk and Sarah Silverman. That show raised well over $20,000. The hat was passed around on the "Everybody Loves Raymond" set, where an additional $8,000 was raised from writers and actors, said a source. Money was also solicited through various comedy Web sites. But a suspicious Doug Starks served Anderson with a legal letter asking her to substantiate her medical claims - and she apparently declined. "She never did prove her claims," said Starks. "She has never shown any evidence that she has cancer." When Starks phoned Budd Friedman and alerted him to Anderson's possible cancer-for-dollars scam, "he was shocked and devastated," Starks told The ENQUIRER.

INVESTIGATION

The comics believe Anderson concocted the scam on her own, and Mark Cohen - former host of Comedy Central's "Make Me Laugh" - had no idea what was going on. "Love is blind," said Starks, "and a tad ignorant."


I really hate humans. [Thank you, Mr. Anonymous Comment.]

Regards,
General Smallnuts
Dictator-For-Life of SquirrelNation

The 298th step on the last road home.

Off the road again

Which means links for youse!

Remember, context is everything, my comics nerds.

Here's a semi-interesting article about my favorite public-access-TV quick-sketch artist/zealot Dr. Peter Ruckman. If I had the money for a Tivo, I would record the local P.A. station 24 hours a day just to net in all the episodes of Ruckman's "Drawing Men to Jesus The Christ" program it randomly broadcasts, for it is awestome.

Good grief -- and I thought pop-culture nerds were a thin-skinned lot; at least they don't file reports about the ways the mainstream media slighted their objects of affection.

I could live without the Erich Wolfgang Korngold-sounding fanfare on the front page -- it scared the shit out of Little Man -- but Guy Davis' Web site is packed with great stuff.

Zooming in Flash. Once I figured out how to keep it moving, the Flash version was hypnotically beautiful and exciting when I saw it on a big monitor.

The 295th step on the last road home.

gojira writes back~!!!!!!!

heard you missed me!


i'm back!

i brought my pencil!

gimme something to write on man!

woah!!!


Hey whioicjh one of you smart little monkees knows what html color code i gotta use to make my "blog" the same magnificent shade of chaorcoal grey as my awesome skin??? i hate that default green - i may still drunk from my 50th party last novemebr but i ain't no fuckin key lime pie.

warmest regards,
gojira kijou

The 290th step on the last road home.

Anti-Endemic Treponematosis eBayathon Resumes

OK, my treatment's over, I can kinda-sorta concentrate for more than five minutes and my work schedule has eased off a little, so I'm ready to resume kicking my semi-syphilitic bete noire's ass by auctioning off all the stuff I didn't know I had in storage until last month: Tonight, I'm parting with this Superfly wrestling program and asking you nice folks for useful suggestions for how I can note these auctions without having to blog the damn things. I feel like I'm spamming myself, for pete's sake.

What would be ideal would be a box in my sidebar that would automatically show an updated list of what's being sold at any given time, but that sounds like it would take a lot of javascripting or somesuch. Any ideas, folks?

The Garden of Hate

Take a walk through the garden of hate with me.
Eat rotten fruit from a shitty tree.
Drink from the well of bitterness and spite.
Meet me by the well tonight and we can have a fucking fight
through the garden of hate with me.

Come take a walk with me through the garden of hate.
That's where I'll kick your ass and spit in your ugly face.
You piece of shit, you can be my motherfucking date.
Come on asshole, let's take a walk through the garden of hate.
Like this!

[-- Mr. Show]

The 288th step on the last road home.

Sunday Comic Strip #3

At this point, I had begun keeping a little envelope of leftover material that I liked from each Sunday section; I would assume this one is a mash-up of two weeks of Sunday sections, for whatever reason I had at the time.

Ladies and Gentlemen, here is Mother Goose and Grimm in "You're pathetic When You Beg," July 24-August 7, 1994.

The 287th step on the last road home.

Happy International "Record Your Cat Reacting To 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" Day



Season's Greetings to You and Yours, from Little Man and Milo George.

Quick, grab your cat, your camcorder and your copy of Kubrick's 2001 and start filming before this year's IRYCRT2001:ASO Day is over! It's only a matter of time before this will be bigger than Beethoven's birthday, so be sure to get in on it early if you want bragging rights later.

The 286th step on the last road home.

John Westmoreland, 365; Endemic Treponematosis, 0

To celebrate the Westmoreland project's first year, I thought it would be fun to share something that many jerks have sought and visited here in the hopes of finding. [Goldbricking workers: Look at the search url above before deciding whether or not you wanna click on the image link below.]

Happy Blog Day, Mister President.

The 285th step on the last road home.