Why I'm not getting an Xbox360, ever.

The first consoles are the best consoles. It's true; I can prove it with math.

You + mild nostalgia + [sincerity / irony * your age] + time to kill + original videogame console = better than sequel platforms.

The Atari 2600. The Nintendo Entertainment System. The Playstation. And, as of 11 hours ago, The Microsoft Xbox. These are the platforms -- at least, the first three -- we remember fondly and still play on occasion. Perhaps an isolated dork or two longs for another go on the Sega Genesis or Jaguar, and I suppose we all enjoy playing some of the bosser Nintendo 64 games [GOLDENEYE, EXCITEBIKE, MARIO KART and, uh ...] every once and a while -- but we all like the original plats the best. No one pulls their old SNES or 5200 out to play out of love, only hate.

If any of you out there are thinking about paying an asinine amount of money for a 360, don't. Just don't! In 10 years, it would be at the bottom of your closet -- if not your basement or garage -- collecting dust while you're playing ZELDA on the skeletal remains of your NES.

I really don't if I'll be alive in ten years, but if I am and can still play video games, I have five bucks [2005] that sez I'll still be about quarter-way through GRAND THEFT AUTO: SAN ANDREAS [Hot Coffee-edition, not that I'll ever get around to unlocking that creepy game, but I had to have that edition on general principle], spending most of my time in the game bicycling through the ghetto, giggling and crooning "Nigga stole my bike" to Little Man. Sure, the massive scale, vastly improved AI and great leap forward in realism across the board are nice -- I also enjoy spawning and using the jetpack and military helicopter & jet from time to time -- but the true awesomeness of the game is that you can work out on the bike and get stronger and healthier. It's amazing if you think about it. Anyway, it's a pleasure that will not be truly available on Xbox 360 ever, so please don't waste your allowances. I thank you.