The 132nd step on the last road home.


hello puny mammals,

as some of you may know, i accidently broke my treo two weeks ago. (i was admiring the flatiron building on 23rd when i dropped it. i was hoping the business honkey it landed on would break its fall, but, uh, no dice.) so i'm blogging on a sputtery loaner. anyhoo, i figured i'd find a replacement phone lickity split, but i don't like any of the used units i've found on ebay. where do you fancyphone savvy folks go to buy good used phones?

also, the lovely, whipsmart mariko ('miss wood' if your nasty ) suggested that i use my celebrity to get a beta model of the upcoming treo 650, but i don't know how to go about doing that. in the past, i had humans to line up endorsments for me. anyone from a cell phone company in the audience? if you hook me up, then i'll hype your wares on my new blog.

warmest regards,

No more calls, please; we have a winner for Best Comics Site, Ever

Go there, now. Tom Spurgeon is the smartest, sharpest, finest nerd to ever loiter in a comics store on a Wednesday, waiting for the new comics to be brought out and shelved -- which makes his site's launch the only good news in comics journalism this year. I hate almost all comics, I really don't care what happens in the field, but I'm already reading Spurge's site regularly.

[By the way, nerds: Stop giving me crap when Gojira doesn't post on Saturdays. I'm not him, I don't care, it's not my fault and it's not my problem. Bust his chops, whydoncha?]

The 126th step on the last road home.

The 122nd step on the last road home.

Who is the most awesomenest, you ask?

Why, it is I.

Wide awake and ready to travel.

So long, suckers!

milos george, sure to delete everything as soon as he wakes up sometime Friday

Am I the most popular orphan in the cancer ward? Why yes! Yes, I am!

OK, so I said I'd post updates to chart my mental disintegration as sleep deprivation kicked in; only, I made it to 2:30am before I need a god draw on my Mt. Dew ["rocket fuel"] 2-Liter. Now, I feel just fine, except my back and legs are a little sore.

A good pal of mine and I had dinner, bought ten bucks of books to read on my trip [three first-edition Feiffer collections and a paperback of ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT] and hung out a little, and then I bought my "rocket fuel" at the grocery store and came home to chat with four folks on IM ... at the same time! I can do that, yes I can indeed. And now all four [three folks in the Central time zone and one on the West coast] have all punked out to go to bed, making me KING OF THE NIGHT FOR OCTOBER 19-20, 2004. KNEEL BEFORE ME INSOMINIOCRATIC CRETINS!!!

The 120th step on the last road home.

Why I hate the Salvation Army, Reason #23

Now, I don't why anyone in his right mind would hire Patti Davis to come and give a speech in the first place, but that the Salvo would completely punk out on their argeement is low, even for them.

Bo bobo buhbobo, bo bobo buhbobo, bo bobo buhbobo ...

I haven't heard the Cream's "I Feel Free" in years, yet its first four seconds have been stuck in my head all day. And I don't even like that stupid song. Fuck you Clapton, Baker, Bruce!

I have to stay up for about 30 hours tomorrow, but I'll have Net access for almost all of it -- if anyone would like to e-mail me links to sites that are so awesome that I'd happily allow to eat up large blocks of my time, I will declare an hour of my ordeal in your honor. I'm going to attempt posting hourly once I'm down to the walking-shoe countdown, which will probably embarrass the shit out of me even before I finally get some sleep.

On previous all-night&half-day'ers, I've discovered the joys of BT3A, Kontraband and the always entertaining Seanbaby. So, if you know of any other site chockablock with funny and/or bizarre video clips and commentary, send 'em my way. Or anything else, so long as it doesn't demand much from my addled and rapidly degenerating intellect. I thank you.

Red Bridge One has begun closing

PP 36.06.00 s36.54 IN 02.20
MM 39.03.80 s13.84 IN 03.20
MM 38.00.00 s22.64 IN 02.20
TP 11.26a 1.08 .99ect

Three reasons to leave/love the Internet

Tom Petty Is Dead.

Why won't Mel Gibson pray with his stalker? What a dickweed. Wouldn't the Christian thing to do be to just pray with this poor suffering, crazy bastard, call "No Backsies" and then send him on his way? You know Jesus H. Christ would have prayed with him the first time he asked.

Holy crap, even George W. Bush's hometown paper is endorsing John Kerry.

I recently learned that I can lose everything I have ... except my Net connection.

The 119th step on the last road home.

The 118th step on the last road home.


I wish there had been a G.I. Joe cartoon adaptation of this fantastic Army training film. "And now, Cletus and Jed, you gentlemen know that your brother/son/nephew Buford was skragged after the Dragonfly he was in crashed on Cobra Island." "Tha's right, darkie! And knowin' is half th' battle! Now git offa my propertay!!!"

The 111th step on the last road home.


hello humans,

Here is a little ditty that was left on my voice mail the other day that's too amusing not to share:

"You're a ... FART KNOCKER!
go work at FOOT LOCKER!
Donchu mess around with me!

Fart knocker!
Cock blocker!
Foot Locker!
Donchu mess arouuuund ... NONO NO!!!!!"

I'll let you guess what song it's sung it to.

warmest regards

The 110th step on the last road home.

My name is John Westmoreland, and I approve of this message

Hey. Hey you. Yes, you. Why haven't you sent Tim O'Neil some money via his Paypal tip jar??? ... What? That's no excuse. Just think of how much joy, amusement and thought provocation you and your family have received, free of charge, from his blog -- how much would you be willing to spend to get that service back if The Hurting went away? I think you should go to Tim's tip jar right now and send him at least that much.

Actually, while you're at it: Take a moment, figure out how much The Unofficial John Westmoreland Memorial Tribute Webring has been worth to you in 2004 and tip Tim that dough too. At this point, there's no way I could keep blogging if there wasn't at least one blog out there that recognizes my "Last Honest Man" status right there in its linkroll.

If The Hurting goes, you'll get nothing bloggy here but jpegs from my Carmen Miranda upskirt photo collection ... with her pussy dilligently cropped out of every shot. So go tip Tim whatever you can, right now, and tell him I sent ya. Thank you.

UPDATE: A few folks have asked if Tim's Paypal account address is correct, since it's not the adress on his blog. He just let me know that they're both his, and the Paypal one is correct. Now go send him some scratch.

The 109th step on the last road home.

Representative Tim Ryan, D-Ohio: Man of the Day for Oct. 6, 2004!

Here's a transcript I just got, of Rep. Ryan's comments from the floor of the House prior to their vote on reinstating a military draft. It really underlines how terrifying the Bush Administration has become; the received wisdom that they're a pack of lying douchebags is so ingrained in our unconscious that even if they swore on a stack of Bibles that they're not going to bring back the draft, very few people would believe them.

I would like to clarify something: We're not trying to scare kids; this President's foreign policy is what's scaring the kids of this country. And people have said today,"Well, why are people believing this? Why are people believing this big Internet hoax?"

Well, the people who told us Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11 [are] the same people who told us Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction, the same people who told us that we're going to be able to use the oil for reconstruction money, the same people that told us that we'd be greeted as liberators not occupiers, the same people, same President who told us "The Taliban is gone," the same President who told us that Poland is our ally two days before they pull out, the same President who tells us Iraq is going just great, the same President who tells us the economy is going just great, the same people who told us that the tax cut was going to create millions of jobs, the same people that told us that the Medicare program only costs 400 billion dollars when it really costs 540 billion dollars.

So please forgive us for not believing what you're saying. Please forgive the students of this country for not believing what you're saying. Not one thing, not one thing, about this war that has been told to the American people, or that has been told to these college students, has been true. Not one thing. Bremer says we need more troops, the Pentagon says we need more troops -- and this President can't get them from the International community; there's only one option left. Let's be honest with the American people.

[Thanks Woody.]

Three more links

All hail Robb from Guitar Emporium! He gave me a sweet deal on a cardboard box designed to mail an acoustic guitar, and he even showed me how to pack the case so there's virtually zero chance of the neck getting damaged in transit! The store has fantastic service, great instrument selection and reasonable prices -- it's yet another reason why Ballard really should secede from the shithole that is the rest of Seattle.

Oh, how clever -- a "Hallibuttal!" Geddit? Geddit? The screen resolution isn't as sharp as I'd like, but it's a nice little PDF file with some reprints of amusing political cartoons. I'm liking Kirk Anderson more and more, for some reason.

The 107th step on the last road home.

"We put on a show, anywhere the four winds blow"?

Clearly, this LP is 10 ounces of compressed, pure, circular hell if the theme-song mp3s you can listen to on the above pages are any indication. I hope the Flash one is posted soon, tho.

So, when would an ugly hybrid of bored-session-musician post-British-Invasion and homeless Tin Pan Alley pastiches have ever appealed to children? I'm surprised some post-ironic hipster douchebag band hasn't covered these tunes. I guess the GODZILLA music vein hasn't been fully tapped yet.

The 106th step on the last road home.

Tell Laura I Luv Her: An Election 2004 Update

A month since the Republican National Convention and a month to Super Tuesday, and I still haven't heard back from Laura yet. I know she's kinda busy at the moment, but jeez louise! I'm starting to wonder if my letter was lost in the mail.

Three Links for Today

All hail the Angry Magic Duck, for if he didn't exist, I would have had to invent him. Finally, the blogosphere's glaring lack of attention to female bassists is being addressed! Both Gojira and I are on pins and needles waiting for the tribute to Hilary Woods of JJ72. Sigh.

Sometimes, you run out of things to waste time on online, but the Sock Monkey Slider Puzzle is always good for time-wasting. Despite the vaguely pornographic music, Dark Horse's version of high-stakes MEMORY is usually fun to kill a half-hour on. I don't play them much, but the trivia game that time forgot and Hellboy tetris have their charms as well.

And big propers to Jog and Angry for their belated "Post 'Endemic Treponematosis Sucks' Online Day" posts. You two will have bragging rights on everyone next year, including me.

Red Bridge One Is Hep To The Jive

MM 35.14.80 s12.64
MM 41.06.20 s14.44

The 105th step on the last road home.

A few things I have learned about Hunger Strikes and myself

1.] When the doctor looks at your test results and says "Jesus!" in a way that requires italics and an exclamation point, you know your heart condition has grown even worse since the last time you wound up in the emergency room.

2.] Evidently, when you stop eating solid food [or maybe cut your calorie intake to about 600 a day, or something like that? Maybe both? I forget.], it causes your blood pressure to go fucking apeshit. This isn't too much of a dealbreaker, except for folks with heart conditions.

3.] When it comes to doody, the only things more interesting than the results of not eating solid food for three days are the results about an hour after eating something solid for the first time in three days.

4.] SlimFast is what I'd imagine the Devil's Diarrhea would taste like.

I will speak of this no more forever.

The 104th step on the last road home.


with this week's senryu turnout. Here are my favorites:

From Robert Black of Mars Hill, Me.:

End that Endemic
Treponematosis. Rock
on with the monkey.

From Julie Maltin of Manhattan, NY.:

George W. Bush
Smirking gorill-lil-lil-la
Drink Grape Ape Kool-Aid

Angie Dickinson
Tuesday Weld, Ali MacGraw
and Pier Angeli

From Tim O'Neil:

I really wish that
People weren't so stupid but
They are, so they suck.

My wife is not a
Stupid person which is why
I put up with her.

I think I shall watch
"Mars Attacks" on HBO;
Underrated film.