A short note from Hunger Strike Zero Hour

So, I go to a place up the street for my last Seattle meal of 2004. This cute girl serves me, and it's only when I'm about a mile away from the place on my way home that I realize that she was hitting on me the entire time. The entire motherfucking time: Hey, you come in here a lot, God I love the food here too, I only work here Tuesdays Thursdays and Fridays ... but I get off work in 20 minutes [question-mark raising of her voice at the end] and as I'm walking out the door, I noticed she was staring at me. I instinctively parrotted back "Yeah, see you tomorrow!" when she said it, again with the question-mark raise in pitch at the end. Yes, I am that fucking dense when it comes to these things, but I am getting better at noticing when it happens; the last time, my romantic moment of clarity took three months to arrive.

Anyway, this poor girl clearly had a headful of bad wiring, but still. Getting hit on by an attractive worker chippie ... while having your last meal at one of your favorite restaurants ... before going on a three-month hunger strike ... and not even noticing what the hell was going on in front of you until 10 minutes later. Damn you, Endemic Treponematosis. Damn you back from the ten-dimensional Satanic nutsack that spawned you in the first place.

Author declares 100-ish Day Hunger Strike To Help Raise Awareness of Endemic Treponematosis

Yes, the rumors are true: I will be on a hunger strike from 10/1 to 1/10, both to celebrate the hundredth anniversary of THE LAST ROAD HOME and to strike back at Endemic Treponematosis.

It is not a decision I came to easily, but when I think of the poor turnout for Tuesday's International "Post 'Endemic Treponematosis Sucks' Online" Day -- a day when people all over the world were to "call bullshit" on this dreadful disease by posting "Endemic Treponematosis Sucks" to blogs, Haloscan Comment popups, message boards, USENET groups and other Internet chat areas -- I realize that I'm not doing as much as I should, much less as much as I can to wipe this needless obscenity out within my lifetime. I even forgot to participate in International "Post 'Endemic Treponematosis Sucks' Online" Day, for the love of Christ's bleedin' foots. Clearly, I need a good kick in the ass, and failing that, dropping a few pounds from three months of starvation sounds like a suitable B-plan.

Judging by the random blogs that pop up my SiteMeter log via that dopey "Next Blog>>" button at the top of Blogspot pages, it seems blogging about food and diet is as popular as rambling on about those "evil fagits" Dan Rather and "Jon Cary" these days, so I'll post semi-regular updates on how the strike is coming. I'll be subsisting on nothing but water and three glasses of SlimFast a day; I just want to raise awareness here, not die over it. It's not there's someone waiting in the wings to pick up the "Endemic Treponematosis Sucks" banner and run with it if I die. Going cold-turkey from caffeine is the part that's really going to fuck me up, anyway. Also, my kids would want me to have a [one] meal on holidays, entirely to show that our lives may be momentarily inconvenienced but not utterly ruined, or else Endemic Treponematosis will have won.

The 102nd step on the last road home.

The 97th step on the last road home.

I guess you can call this a "BOSS hack"

I just went to Roland/BOSS' US homepage to look something up, and [figuratively, not literally] came across this not-work-safe front page.

I don't know how long it'll be before someone at BOSS catches and fixes the hack -- I'm assuming that the company's not intentionally trying to sell digital portastudios with Asian pussy, although that approach would probably move quite a few units -- but as of this post, you can still bring up that purple-poontang page by refreshing the BOSSUS.com link above a couple times.

GOJIRA IS DISAPPOINTED

by your collective unwillingness to compose senryu. What, is it that you little nerds are such big fans of Tuesday Weld and Angie Dickinson that you don't want to be party to their disrepectation??? It's not like we're talking about Pier Angeli and Ali MacGraw here. C'mon. Is that none of you Yankee Bluejeans knew what a senryu is? [Answer: Same as a haiku, but not about nature.] Get on the stick, or Long Island gets it. START WRITING.

warmest regards
gojira

A Reverse Plug

To help raise awareness of ET, I recently interviewed Eddie Campbell for the first issue of GRAPHIC NOVEL REVIEW. Despite already being here and thus not needing to have your awareness raised, you should go read it; Eddie gives great interview and the preview panels from ALEC: THE FATE OF THE ARTIST are lovely to look at.

The 92nd step on the last road home.

The 90th step on the last road home.

GOJIRA DOESN'T KNOW IT

hello humans,

I received no e-mail this week, so I thought I'd share some senryu I wrote during my swim to Noo Yawk:

Oh, National Guard
you fool no one, motherfuckers
small guns, smaller dicks

Jack Nicholson eats
Vancouver Subway, alone
hey, you left your stamps

Here I am, humans
rock you like a hurricane
blah blah, fucking blah

I kinda lost interest in the exercise after a while. Anyhoo, send me your senyru at my addy above, and maybe i'll put it up next week. If I get enough good ones, maybe I'll share a dirty limmerick I once wrote about a night with Tuesday Weld and Angie Dickenson!

warmest regards,
gojira

The 85th step on the last road home.

Author to create lifetime-long serial to raise awareness of dangerous disease

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Dateline: Seattle, Wash. Sunday, June 20, 2004


Dear Mr. & Mrs. North and South America and All Ships At Sea,

This reporter had a front-row seat to the most shocking announcement ever to electrify the entire Internet this morning; Mr. Milos George, the handsome author and Man About Town, has vowed to do one panel of his new Web comic strip a day for the rest of his life, all to raise awareness of the terrible disease known as Endemic Treponematosis. THE LAST ROAD HOME, which is purported to be a long, uninterrupted "shot" of a chimpanzee typing a suicide note to someone named "Moira," launches tomorrow.

Endemic Treponematosis is a non-venereal disease related and similar to Pallidum, the root of Syphilis. ET is found in tropical and subtropical climates, where it strikes mostly children under the age of 10. At last count, nearly a half-million new cases of the disease were known to be raging around the world. The disease is transmitted mostly by direct contact with one of an ET-afflicted child's open sores. It can be cured with penicillin, with a success rate running to nearly 97 percent. But if let untreated, it can quickly result in disfiguring skin lesions as well as bone/cartilage deformities and destruction. According to reports, ET can "extract a significant economic toll on already disadvantaged populations."

When asked for comment as to why he would take on such a mammoth yet somewhat boring undertaking for an obscure charity, Mr. George simply said, "It's both the least and the most I can do. When I think of what Endemic Treponematosis has done to the children of this world, I know in my balls that I have to do something, anything, to raise awareness of it," adding that he "thought about doing some extreme stunt like being frozen in a block of ice and/or jumping a canyon, but my heart condition and the tumor wrapped around my spine scotched all that. Using Microsoft Paint to paste a little text in the negative space of a jpeg of a forlorn ape sitting at a typewriter every day for the rest of my life is a major undertaking, but it's low-impact enough for me to do without jeopardizing what's left of my health."

When your obedient servant asked Mr. George what you folks out there can do to assist him in his personal crusade to wipe out this terrible illness, he stared far into the distance said:

"Tell your friends, tell your family, tell the strangers on the street, tell everyone you see everything you can remember about Endemic Treponematosis and THE LAST ROAD HOME, and then send them here for more material. I swear this will be the comic strip that wiped out a terrible disease within my lifetime, even if it kills me. By the way, don't send me any money at this time; I'm focused on raising awareness, not cash. I'll let y'all know when I want your money to help my kids. Thanks."

Twenty-three skidoo, Mr. George! Everyone go here toot-sweet!
--30--

Milo George is the sole proprietor of "The Unofficial John Westmoreland Memorial Tribute Webring," which can be found at http://milogeorge.blogspot.com. His first book, tentatively titled THE BOTTLE MERCHANTS, is planned for a Christmas 2005 release. A comics adaptation of one of his screenplays is also in the works.

Red Bridge One suffered some slight delays

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The 83rd step on the last road home.

GOJIRA REMEMBERS PEARL HARBOR, OR SOMETHING

hello humans,

Today is a particularly heavy mail day, so I don't have time to write about the third anniversary of the September 11 attacks. So, let's make a meme out of it: Please take a moment and imagine me making an incredibly offensive but devastatingly funny joke about the attacks here. Now, post it to your blogs -- start a blog if you have to -- and link to this post in outrage [i.e. "How dare that rotten Thunder Lizard joke about how Greyhound Buslines missed out on a golden opportunity to cash in! Cold-blooded motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!"]. I thank you.

Kevin Melrose writes:

You capitalist bastard


Well, I guess this qualifies as a letter. Would it really hurt you tiny tards to write a complete sentence? I do it and my eyes are nearly a tenth of a mile away from the computer's screen ... and I'm writing in a second language.

Anyway, I don't see a dime from those Toy Vault plushies or anything else from Godzilla, unless you count the royalties from the two volumes of my memoirs. So, why don't you fuck off and go bust Jimmy Steranko's balls about all the filthy lucre he raked in from those SHIELD reprints, eh?

"Also in the pipeline are plush renditions of Minilla, Gigan, Megalon, and other Godzilla monsters,"


OoooOOOOooOOOOoOOooo!!! I can't believe they could afford the rights to do a plushy of such famous monsters!!!!!!! I guess the Beanie Babies people already shelled out the big fuck-you money for the Anguirus, Baragon and Destoroyah licenses.


David Tungay writes:

Subject: Business Partner Required

Attn: The President/CEO
I am Mr. David Tungay, Provincial Director Standard Bank of South
Africa, Johannesburg Branch. I have urgent and very confidential business
proposition for you.
On June 6, 2000, a foreign Oil consultant/contractor with the South
Africa Mining Corporation, Mr. Richard Moss made a numbered time (Fixed)
Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty-
five Million Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine
notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we
sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers,
the South Africa Mining Corporation that Mr.Richard Moss died from an
automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died
without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was
fruitless.
I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Richard
Moss did not declare any kin or relations in all his official
documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of
US$25,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled
over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever
come forward to claim it. According to South Africa Law, at the
expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the
South Africa Government if nobody applies to claim the fund.
Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to
stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Richard Moss so that the fruits of this
old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government
officials. This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your
full names and address so that the Attorney will prepare the necessary
documents and affidavits which will put you in place as the next of
kin. We shall employ the service of two Attorneys for drafting and
notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of
probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in
any part of the world which you will provide will then facilitate the
transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money
will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for
me and 40% for you.
There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will
be done by the Attorney and my position as the Branch Manager
guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested,
please reply immediately via the private email address below. Upon your
response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant
documents that will help you understand the transaction.
Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this
transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require
your assistance to invest my share in your country.
Awaiting your urgent reply via my email:davidtungay4@zwallet.com

Thanks and regards.
Mr.David Tungay.

Dear David,

Thank you for the very kind offer but really, I'm doing OK financially. Why does everyone think I'm hurting for money??? I've been to South Africa; it's a fuckin' shithouse. Let your bank give your government the bread, and embezzle funds the American Way; take advantage of the elderly and foreigners. That's how I wound up getting cut out of the Godzilla profit-sharing plan, after all. God, I really hate you clever little mammals sometimes.

Gojira

Red Bridge One is tightening

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Red Bridge One is moving 09.30

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The 80th step on the last road home.

Get on the clue bus, y'all

Who would've thought that conservatives and punks could share common ground other than their penchant for truly pathetic political cartoons?

God damn, I've loved these guys for ten years. Talk about sticking to your guns.

There should be a third mutually exclusive special-interest group here, but I can't think of one that has a Web site. But hey, kids! Here's that letter I mentioned earlier! I'll let you know if Laura writes me back, since I know you are just as concerned about kids as I am.

Red Bridge One is wise

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You'll Pay For That, Ming

Just testing my blogger picture-hosting thingee; I posted a jpeg of a letter a few days ago, but it's not here now. [EDIT: The test didn't work either, so screw it; I'm sticking with Photobucket.]

I'll dig up my raw scan of the letter and fix it up and post it again; until then, please enjoy The Greatest FLASH GORDON daily strip, ever.

The 76th step on the last road home.

GOJIRA WRITES A POSTCARD FROM PARADISE

aloha meat twigs,

Tis I, Gojira-san, posting from bah-you-tee-full Waimanalo Beach on Oahu island. Well, about a quarter-mile off the actual beach, but technically, I'm still standing on the beach area. Anyhoo, Hawaii is fucking AWESOME and you should all never move or visit here. In fact, I want all the little bastards who live here now to leave immediately. Now! Or I'll raze your puny civilization to the ground!!!

Nah, I'm just fuckin' with my little bronze pals. I love this state. Well, since I still haven't raised enough dough to buy a camera-equipped smart phone, I can't photoblog the awesomeness of this place, and I got fuckall for decent letters [read: any ... sigh] this week, I'm signing off to go help start tonight's luau. It'll be nice to be in some shade after standing out in the sun for 10 straight hours, heh heh! After we stuff ourselves with kalua pork and roasted pineapples, we're playing limbo!! And the only thing better than playing limbo is farting or pretending to fart while you're under the pole! Everyone laughs!!! Everyone!!!! Even hateful dicks who've always been jealous of my success despite it being what drew them to me in the first place, like that dick Milos!!!!! Or inarticulate emotional cripples like that Mariko spaz!!!!! I WILL OUTLIVE YOU ALL, TURDBURGLERS!!!!!!!! Beef it, cheese it, accept it!!! Aloha, jackassi!

sincerely,
gojira

Red Bridge One, Do You Copy?

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