ATTENTION NON-SQUIRRELS: A One-Time, Month-Long Amnesty Offer


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Greetings,

I understand that some of you non-squirrels are miffed that I did not present you with your true squirrel name yesterday. The reason for this imagined slight is simple: I presented the true squirrel names -- and thus, citizenship in SquirrelNation -- to only those in the "The Wise Link To Me" sidebar to your right. I feel, and I think the majority of my citizens would agree, that if a human is not personally invested enough in SquirrelNation to link to its home, The Unofficial John Westmoreland Memorial Tribute Webring, then they cannot be depended on to unflaggingly protect our homeland from its many enemies.

You see, SquirrelNation is a lot like Israel: We are a tiny country of cute little people with funny names, besieged by threats both external and internal. [However, we aren't utter assholes to the chipmonks who already lived here when we arrived.] Thus, we cannot risk simply letting in every and anyone who wants to be here; in these post-9/11 days, we can never know when the next fundamentalist owl will swoop down and smash into one of our skyscrapers and eat some of us. We must remain vigilant! But, as the leader of a nation of immigrants -- even I have only been a citizen of my country for a little over 30 hours -- I cannot, in good conscience, close SquirrelNation's borders and tell the mewling flock of huddled nerds lined up to enter our beloved homeland to go nibble the chestnut fragments out of a mile of my shit.

My advisors and I have pondered this dilemma, and have reached this solution: From this moment until 11:59:59 PM PST, August 28, 2004, I shall publicly grant political amnesty, personal identity and citizenship and add a sidebar link-back to any human who links to the TUJWMTW page in the linkrolls of hir blog/Livejournal/Web site/whatever. If you wish to convert to squirrelism and become a naturalized citizen of SquirrelNation, then add that link and e-mail me your name and URL. Or just add the link, click it a couple times and I'll see and add you from my Sitemeter log, whatever. But come August 29, anyone still on the outside will be shit outta luck, and I won't wanna hear ANY BELLYACHING.

Since not everyone is reading this page regularly yet, you may privately share this offer with your cool friends, especially anyone who has something other than another fucking comics blog.

Regards,
General Smallnuts
Dictator-For-Life of SquirrelNation

The 38th step on the last road home.

The 37th step on the last road home.

Love, love love! Love, American Style

I'm in love with Barack Obama. That was a delightful keynote speech he just gave at the Democratic National Convention. Why can't he be running for President this year? Him or Al Gore version 2.0, preferably both. That's the ticket I'd proudly vote for. Please?

You know what the greatest thing about Craig Thompson is? Even when his biggest fans scorch him with a backhanded compliment, like "Dewy-eyed and sincere, [Thomspon] diligently signed everything we threw at him time and time again. Lord knows why, cause he shows no preference towards girls at ALL," the buh-buh-buh-burn still drips with sincerity somehow.

A ten SHUN!


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At ease. So, it turns out that my true squirrel name is "General Smallnuts."

That's right -- I'm a general in the Squirrel Army, which means I expect you all to follow my orders without question henceforth. That means you,
Dave Dances with Chipmunks
Sergeant O'Squirrely
Professor Smallnuts
Nibbles Wobblebottom
Pope Out of Their Tree
Commander McNutty
Commander Crazypaws
Count or Countess Nuttykins
General Dances with Chipmunks
Captain McBushy
King or Queen Curlyarse
Count or Countess McBushy
Commander Bushytail
Brigadier Furryface
Private Nuttykins
Captain O'Squirrely
President Honeynuts [who's just a figurehead president; SquirrelNation is like pre-Castro Cuba],
Arch Bishop Bignuts
Doctor Bignuts
Captain McBush
Lord or Lady Nibbles his Nuts
Nutty Smallnuts
Lord or Lady Nibbles his Nuts II
Furry Scruff
King or Queen Bushkisser
Lord or Lady Wobblebottom

You will receive your marching orders shortly.

That is all.

The Heroic Trio Decides

Holy crap, did it really take seven hours for my computer to defrag its hard drive? Yes, yes it did. While it was busy, I talked with Gojira and my writing partner about many interesting things:

1. Only in the mid '60s could someone like Jeremy Spencer have a career; once recordings became relatively easily available [thanks to labels releasing reissues, retrospectives and anthologies, as well as the proper establishment of a collector network and used-record stores] the notion of a 98 lb. British honky kid who could play Elmore James tunes exactly like the original shifted from a novel yet tedious piece of savantry [kinda like those autistics who can draw perfect copies of Old Masters paintings, and nothing else] to a tedious yet tedious bit of culture-stealing honkidom. We have also come to the conclusion that Spencer's inclusion in Fleetwood Mac was entirely due to Peter Green's penchant for playing with crappy musicians.

2. Since the late Hound Dog Taylor had six fingers on each hand, yet almost exclusively played slide guitar [which you could play with your feet, if you really wanted to], he was an asshole.

3. Gojira offered the following hypothetical situation for our consideration: If we could round up, strip and force march all of the regular posters to comics message boards down a mining shaft to an unlit arena a mile beneath the Earth, gave each person nothing but a rusty machete and a greasy dildo and let nature take its course, who would win?

Having pondered this hypothetical for all the time it deserved, we decided that -- assuming that this contest was done right and the opening of the tunnel to the battleground was dynamited and permanently sealed -- the winner would be "Everyone else."

4. The best time for me to write the press release explaining what the hell THE LAST ROAD HOME is, why I'm doing it, how long I'll be doing it, etc. is: Six weeks ago. After some spirited debate, we compromised on when the second best time is: Tomorrow. But I still doubt it.

5. Rayanne Graff totally has a crush on Angela Chase's dad, Graham.

6. Peter Gibbons' girlfriend Anne is cheating on him with Bill Lumbergh. Why/how else would she know and care that Peter hadn't shown up at work on Saturday?

7. While the "Peanut Butter Cup" flavor reigns supreme, "Chunky Monkey" would be even tastier if it didn't have walnuts. "Phish Food," on the other hand, actually tastes better as vomit.

8. Eight, I forgot what eight was for, and

9. That there's nary a scoop of real Black Raspberry ice cream to be found anywhere in Seattle's city limits is the real reason why the town sucks, but that doesn't mean we should ignore the other 43,259 reasons.

10. How awesome am I, you ask? They name all the coolest shit after me. Except for chocolate-like beverages, which taste like death with an open-ass chaser. Milo's extremely popular in scores of countries too poor to import better drinks, though.

The 36th step on the last road home.

Ha ha, it is to laugh.

Once the Sabbath was over, I watched that LITTLE RASCAL DVD Gojira mentioned. I wish I could write dialogue like this [From "Bear Shooters"]:

SPUD: Hiya fellahs.
FARINA: C'mon, get your mule. Let's get going!
SPUD: I guess I can't go.
FARINA: How come?
SPUD: I gotta stay home and grease Weezer.
FARINA: Gee, that's tough. [beat] Can we take your mule?
SPUD: No, you can't take my mule! If I don't go campin', my mule don't go campin'.


I can't believe I could have ever forgotten the immortal line "I gotta stay home and grease Weezer." From now on, I'm going to use it as an excuse as much as humanly possible:

"I was going to march in the protest for cripples' rights downtown the other day, but I had to stay home and grease Weezer."

"I'd love to attend the opening of your solo show -- with a title like 'CRIMSON GLOW: THE COLOUR OF MY BETTIE PAGE-CUT HAIR, MY VAGINAL DISCHARGE AND MY CHE GUEVARA TATTOO,' it just has to be great! -- but I gotta stay home and grease Weezer."

"Ladies, ladies, please calm down; I would be proud and honored to judge your cocksucking contest, but I can't do it today. I gotta stay home and grease Weezer."

As if we needed another reason to love the French: I wish all comics-fan pages were this cool. First off, let's all take a moment to laugh at the "GOD-HAW" bit -- hahahahahahaha , "God? Haw!" hahaha -- then check out that GODZILLA #21 cover.

Godzilla versus Devil Dinosaur??? How the hell did I make it this far in life without knowing this funnybook existed? It must the worst comic ever, since even a roomful of retarded monkeys with malfunctioning typewriters couldn't fuck up a Godzilla/Devil Dinosaur story, yet the idea remains the stuff that fanfic is made of. Maybe the comic is semi-official slash fiction -- Godzilla does have a foot on Devil Dinosaur's junk, after all -- and Marvel, being Marvel, made sure that their character came out on top ... if you know what I mean, and I think you do. [You should be ashamed of yourself, pervert.] I hope post-New Marvel doesn't have any such rules in place now, since that'll really mess with the Devil Dinosaur/Kona/Godzilla miniseries I'm planning to pitch to them soon. The Monarch of Monster Isle and The King of The Monsters are no one's bitch.



So, is the blue background above Hawkeye the sky? What are those lamps [I'm assuming they're lamps, although they look more like upside-down, sneeze-guarded cafeteria serving tables to me] attached to, then? What is Hawkeye being shot at with? It's yellow, and strong enough to shatter glass, but splats when it hits a carboard box? I know this will trigger another round of reconstructed genre class-warriors to shriek that I'm a knee-jerk elitist, but: Man, that is one lameass cover.

The 34th step on the last road home.

ALL QUIET ON THE NORTHWESTERN FRONT

The nerds are all at their big annual nerdcon, Milo is ferverently praying, probably for a massive disaster to wipe San Diego from the face of this fallen Earth, and I'm watching a cheapo Good Times documentary about the Little Rascals. I should tell my Spanky McFarland story here, but I want to get this stupid blog thing done for today. Here, links:

Illustrator Supreme Jeff Parker is audioblogging from the big Comicon. My favorite entry of the five so far is the one where he talks about a mattress blocking on of the lanes of the 405 and screwing up traffic -- it's funny because it's true! -- but each audioblog entry has something to make it worth your while to download and listen to, and it's always fun to chart the downward spiral of someone who expected the worst at the outset who then experiences the slow rolling hell of those fears being realized before his eyes. Hee hee hee!

I really should look into what you need to audioblog, since typing is a pain in my enormous ass. I hope I won't have to say "Post" in a low, dorky voice at the end of a message to post it, since my vocal cords are too long and mighty to accommodate your silly monkey grunts.

Via Warren Ellis: Reason #1563459 for Why Apple Computers Are The Finest Machines Ever Made ... for Morons With Way Too Much Money. I forget if I shared reason #1563458 with you folks or not; if I didn't, here it is.

Now, I'm sure that the hype about Apple being computer ichiban number one was true once upon a time, in the same way the the Volkswagen Bug was once the best car money could buy. Now, not even the tourists will buy that horseshit and Apple's cachet is fading fast. That it's not gone entirely is mostly due to the fact that hipsters don't comparison shop.

Milos pointed out how one of my main hobbies is people-watching, yet none of that comes through in my blogging. So I think I'll regularly post a link to a stranger's online journal that I find fascinating -- hopefully this will be a charming, Amelie-like thing, not a creepy, Travis Bickle thing. Here's my current favorite, since the music changes so often, but is always rather catchy. The blog itself makes me wish I could remember what I was like at 21.

And finally, I have not now, nor have I ever fucked a building. And if I had, I would've done a lot better than two bland crackerboxes on the shitty tip of Manhattan. No, if I was gonna make love to a skyscraper, it would be the Chrysler Building. Such soft and graceful lines, such a romantic view in every direction, such lovely granite ......... Where was I? Ah yes, you meat twigs really can't help but project your little perversions onto everything in sight, can you? Just because your species needed to invent the inflatable fuck doll doesn't mean the rest of us are so hard up that we'll bang inanimate objects.

The 31st step on the last road home.

I believed that children were our future

I got some photos in the mail today from an old friend, who was one of my first interns when I started working in editorial years ago. I'm always delighted to see that I've had such a profoundly bad influence on a young and impressionable mind.

The first one is a nice shout-out to J. Jonah Jameson's finest editorial, ever:



I supposedly said this one, which I'm not sure I believe:



This one, I have definitely said before:



I would assume that the Church shut down the funmaking pretty quick. Regardless, I couldn't be prouder of my old flunkies; when I see pictures like this, I can't help but think of myself as the wind beneath their wings.

Since the last round was disturbingly popular

I'm going to the well again and filling out another battery of chippie-only tests, but I'm not going to dignify any of them by admitting they're spot-on. The Harelquin Romance one, however, is total bullshit.







Guys Like That You're Sensitive


And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way

You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to

Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets

No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!




What Do Guys Like About You? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.









You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy


When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch

Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know.

From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up.

And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.




Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.









You are Barefoot!


You're a total free spirit, go with the flow girl

You can't be restricted by shoes for very long

And unsuprisingly, the same goes for men

Your match is out there - and he's as carefree as you are




What Shoe Are You? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.









You Should Read Harelquin Romance


You're a bit of an old fashioned romantic, with a good dose of realism

And you prefer a solid romance with a happy ending - with strong characters

With sexy independent women and hot men who sweep them off their feet, Harelquin Romance is your style




Which Free Books Should You Read? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.






Your True Sign Is Taurus


Patient

Stubborn

Possessive

Self-Indulgent

Greedy and Generous

Determined and Deliberate

Lover Of All Things Luxurous

Comfort Seeking and Comforting




What's Your True Zodiac Sign? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



The Only Thing You Play is "Cool"


It's not that you don't have the skills to juggle a few men…

Nope, you just lack the desire.

You prefer dating to be a simple one on one process.

No games, no other people, no drama - just you and the guy you're getting to know.




Are You a Player? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

The 30th step on the last road home.

Mr. Kijou would like his own graphic avatar

Here's your chance to be a part of greatness: Gojira Kijou is getting his own e-mail address, so he needs his own avatar/portrait, like mine to the right. So draw him one, already!

The technical crap: Make it 200px wide. Make it a drawing of Gojira. Make it good, but not better than my self-portrait; no one upstages me on my own project.

I'll put up all the drawings here, just like how your mommy did on the 'fridgerator door, except that 200-odd people didn't pass by your mommy's fridge every day. In addition, some artists may earn an illustrated door hanger showing how to check breasts for tumors! Even if you don't have breasts, you'll enjoy the pictures; the model is cute and naked. Don't you want to draw the mighty Gojira for fame and possibly an informative health aid that contains nudie pictures? Of course you do.

The 28th step on the last road home.

The 27th step on the last road home.

GOJIRA STARS IN "DESTROY ALL NERDLINGS!"

hello humans,

I'm Gojira, blah blah blah. Let's get to the mail:

dearest gojira, will you be attending any popular culture conventions this year like the san diego comicon or the various g-fan shows? what do you think of them in general?

love
mari


Dear Mari,

I don't go to nerdcons mostly because I hate nerds, but also they remind me of a sad story from my past. In 1970, I was on a private cruise with my dear friend and mentor Orson Welles, his lovely collaborator/companion Oja Kodar -- the were in town to hustle up some money to keep production of THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WIND going [at one point, I was going to produce the whole thing and play the aging bullfighter/film director protagonist in the film, but my studio had me in an ironclad exclusive contract til 1975]-- and my agent Morty.

We were just off the San Diego coast when we dropped anchor and Orson and I went swimming. From where I stood, I could see the line of little nerdlings waiting to enter the convention hall for the first San Diego Comicon. Once I realized what was going on over there, I saw an opportunity to do the world a favor by wiping a huge concentration of dorks and their depressingly large amounts of disposable income from this Earth. I was working up a little tsunami to soften the con center up for me to incinerate with my mighty atomic breath when Orson, who was floating on a Boogie Board next to me, said something like "Come on, my good man -- they're NERDS, utterly invisible to the ladies. They'll never breed, and will thus be gone in a generation -- and what is a man's generation to a creature as eternal as yourself?"

Now, the children of those nerds debate about who would win in a fight, Unicron or Godzilla -- and I have no one to blame but myself. I should've known that there had to be female nerds -- there is no front with a back, no ying without a yang, no lingham without a yoni -- and that they weren't so socially retarded to not figure out how to breed eventually. So, I don't like conventions, because their existance rubs my nose in the fact that I failed to seize a chance to make the world a better place.

Sincerely,
Gojira Kijou

Send Gojira any comments/questions you would like him to answer at gooseberrysprig "at" yahoo.com. This column doesn't write itself, you know.

THE DOPEST SHIT AROUND, PART THE SECOND

I see that this smart feller and this smart feller are hip enough to know that Proust is where it's at in the '00s.

The 25th step on the last road home.

I am VENGEANCE! I am JUSTICE!! I ... AM ... BATMAN-WITH-GUN!!!!!!!

So, this got me thinking about Batman-With-Gun. For those of you not in the know, Batman-With-Gun is like regular Batman, but with a gun. He was the first model, but got phased out for a gunless version after just a few issues.

I prefer Batman-With-Gun to Gunless Batman -- especially if the gun is the one his parents were killed with and Batman-With-Gun only uses it to shoot the people he thinks are crooks when they're asleep. I'm pretty sure this version doesn't actually exist, but I'd like to think it does.

Here's how it works: Batman-With-Gun breaks into a "crook's" house. He sneaks into the "crook's" bedroom, where we can hear the sound of snoring. Batman-With-Gun pulls out his .45, undoes its safety while slowly moving toward the bed ... Suddenly, he stubs his toe on a nightstand, which wakes the "crook" up! Holy Holster Your Pistol, Batman-With-Gun! The shit's on! Then the sleepy crook and Batman-With-Gun beat on each other until the cops arrive and tell Batman-With-Gun to beat it unless he has proof the guy's a crook!

Later, Batman-With-Gun stops by the Exposition Saloon after closing time to collect his protection money and underworld information from the bartender/owner, and then park a few slugs in the heads of all the villains passed out in the alley. Another job well done, Batman-With-Gun! Just after sunrise, Batman-With-Gun swings by the local Gotham "goth" club and shoots all the vampires there, who are taking a little nap after throwing one of those "raves" I read about in NEWSWEEK while I was killing time in my dentist's waiting room last week. No ne'er do well shall escape Batman-With-Gun's gun sight!

See, Batman-With-Gun is a very driven fellow; his parents' murderer was never caught, mostly because the murder weapon was never found [Bruce hid it so he could later use it to kill the killer] so Batman-With-Gun's hunt for the man who done shot his maw and paw hasn't gone very well. Hey -- When you're 7 years old and just saw a ZORRO movie and then Mommy and Daddy getting gunned down, your long-term planning isn't so good, so cut the kid some fucking slack. Anyway, Batman-With-Gun kills all the criminals he sees just to be safe. Sooner or later, he'll kill the right asshole. This, Batman-With-Gun swears!

Sleep with one eye open or during the day, crooks -- Batman-With-Gun has a bullet with your name on it!!! In some cases, TWO bullets!!!! Count on it!!!!!

The 23rd step on the last road home.

Hey Kids -- Alternative Comics!

Looky looky looky -- You nice readers who wouldn't be caught dead in The Android's Dungeon and Baseball-Card Shop [which would be about 3/4 of you, as best as I can tell] can buy those swell comics I suggested you buy to keep Jeff Mason in business by buying them from the swell folks at MarsImport.com. Don't worry about buying them sight-unseen; again, if you don't like 'em, I'll buy them from you.

UPDATE: OK, OK, OK, regardless of what the Good Nimrod Collins claims, I will not buy just any old Alternative-published comic from you if you don't like it. I will, however, buy any BIPOLAR, MAGIC WHISTLE, SWEATERWEATHER, NEVER ENDING SUMMER, RABBITHEAD, HI-HORSE OMNIBUS, RUBBER NECKER, MASOCHISTS or AIM TO DAZZLE [in other words, the comics I said I'd buy in an earlier post] that you buy, read and don't enjoy. Valid only in continental United States, with itemized receipt and in once-read condition. Offer invalid in Provo, UT. I'm actually poorer than Jeff Mason, but I can scrape together enough scratch to cover the cost of a few comic books to help the guy out.

Best Blog, Ever [after this one].

Holy shit, this blog kicks ass: Superb content, fantastic links, and the wonderful feeling that you will never ever ever ever see a drooling review of some AiT/PlanetLar turd on it.

Go visit Holmes and Beyond Belief ('72); you go there right now.

don't mind me, people

Just testing a new-fangled hand-held wireless thingee by filling out some worthless personality tests and posting here:

HASH(0x8967888)
You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Lovely. I can easily accept that I'm a Lost Soul ... as a girl ... but the "your" typo really chaps my vagina.

Here's another girls-only test that's disturbingly accurate:






You Are an Indifferent Ex


You're not one of those girls who thinks about her exes - or even remembers them

"Love 'em and Leave 'em" is your motto. And your break ups tend to be a clean break.

It's a nice strategy to have, and guys appreciate your total lack of emotional baggage.

But just a little reminder: it is okay to remember the good parts of your past, even with exes.




What Kind of Ex Are You? Take This Quiz :-)



Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



Yep, that's me. I've unwittingly introduced myself to more than one ex who I didn't remember.

Just for variety, I took a test that was designed for both sexes:


20 Questions to a Better Personality
Wackiness: 56/100
Rationality: 50/100
Constructiveness: 44/100
Leadership: 50/100

You are a WEDF--Wacky Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you a menace to society, depending on how you channel your energies. You chew your fingers and have an addictive personality. Properly guided, you can be enormously productive--otherwise you run amok, stir up trouble, and generally have a hell of a good time.

To your friends, you are a source of relentless entertainment. You often get into trouble, but you almost always find a way out. You are strangely popular and feed off others' energy. You live hard, seize the day, and although your more sober friends would like to see you settled down, you generally have fewer regrets and better memories than they do. Your tenet is that, at the end of the day, one regrets only what one didn't try. You are right.

You could benefit from outside help in balancing your highs and lows. Or perhaps cutting back on the caffeine.

Pretty much sums me up, except that I don't have highs & lows and I don't chew my fingers. And I'm addicted to caffeine, which they suggest I cut back on. Duh?

Team Comics Go!!!!!!!

Good grief, the LPC clusterfuck just continues to keep on giving: I just got the below forwarded from a friend -- if you don't already own BIPOLAR, MAGIC WHISTLE, SWEATERWEATHER, NEVER ENDING SUMMER, RABBITHEAD, HI-HORSE and Bertozzi's and Haspiel's comics, you really should.

You buy any of the above funnybooks now but somehow don't enjoy it/them on arrival, I'll buy it/them from you at cover price.

-- milo


OPEN LETTER – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Alternative Comics needs your help!

Please buy our books from your local comic book store to help Alternative Comics survive!

Dear Comics Fans:

I’m Jeff Mason making a direct appeal to you, our faithful readers, in a time of serious financial difficulty. If you could find a way to buy some of our books listed below, you would greatly help in our time of financial crisis. Please check off the books you want below and then buy these books from your favorite retailer. You can also use the checklist in the back of your copy of Alternative Comics #2 that was given out by your local comic book store on Free Comic Book Day. If your retailer does not stock our comics and books, they can use this form below as a way to order our in-stock titles form any of our distributors.

Alternative Comics is suffering some very dire cash flow problems and I am turning to you for help. In the spring of 2002 our book trade distributor, LPC, filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy owing Alternative Comics a lot of money. I had hoped that I could weather the storm by taking money from my savings and by borrowing on credit until receiving the agreed-upon 42% of what LPC owed us. Now over two years later, LPC is still in bankruptcy proceedings and I am completely out of savings and credit.

In the past (prior to LPC) I had ample working capital – I had great credit terms with my various printers. Now (post LPC) I have absolutely no working capital and must pay up front to print every book.

For each publication, I now wait for all of the retailer advance orders to come in to Diamond, then I contract Diamond to assign the payment they'd pay to me to my printer to print the book. This contractual agreement costs money and cuts into our razor thin margin.

Lack of cash on hand has also caused me to have to shrink print runs on some books. This increases the cost per unit of each book, and speeds the looming reprint costs.

I've been increasing my publishing schedule over the last two years, and in hindsight, I expanded too quickly. Alternative Comics is moving forward with a much more reasonable, much more foresighted publishing schedule, with some really amazing projects in the works!

Alternative Comics’ cash flow problems have been the only reason for not yet reprinting Bipolar #1 and Humor Can Be Funny as well as having been the only reason a number of books have been arriving late or re-solicited.

I am asking you to please buy Alternative Comics books from your local retailers. In my fanciful imagination, the best result would be for retailers to quickly sell out of all Alternative Comics books in inventory to customers and hurriedly place nice reorders with distributors.

Alternative Comics has no staff other than myself, so I am unable to handle orders directly. I ask that readers buy from your local comic book retailers, and retailers to buy from your favorite distributors.

The single most important variable for our publishing efforts is the number of comics or books advance ordered by retailers. Retailers decide their advance orders of books based on what you, the reader, let them know you want to buy. Currently, we have the following books scheduled for release in September 2004. These books are in all of the distributors’ catalogs right now. If you want to get copies of these books, please let your local comic book retailer know!

JUL04 2534, A Few Perfect Hours and Other Stories by Josh Neufeld (Xeric Winner), $12.95
JUL04 2535, Escalator by Brandon Graham, $12.95
JUL04 2537, SLOWPOKE: America Gone Bonkers by Jen Sorensen, $12.95
JUL04 2538, Turtle, turtle by Jed Alexander, $11.95
JUL04 2539, Waterwise by Joel Orff (Featured Item), $14.95

If you can find it in your hearts to help Alternative Comics, I will be eternally grateful.

Thank you,

Jeff Mason
Publisher – Alternative Comics

Alternative Comics In-Stock Inventory:

(All books are For Mature Readers unless otherwise listed)

8½ Ghosts by Rich Tommaso, OCT032023, $3.95

9-11: Emergency Relief anthology, STAR14976, $14.95
Hi-Horse Omnibus volume 1, DEC032043, $11.95
Hickee anthology volume 1, STAR17747, $12.95
Hickee anthology volume 2 #1, JUL031924, $4.95
Monica’s Story by Jon Lewis, James Kochalka, and Tom Hart, NOV981084,$2.95
Rosetta anthology volume 1, STAR16769,$19.95
Rosetta anthology volume 2, DEC032046,$19.95
Triple Dare #2 by James Kochalka, Tom Hart, and Nick Bertozzi, MAY021760, $2.95

A Fine Mess #1 by Matt Madden, STAR16707, $3.50

A Sort of Homecoming #1 (Of 3) by Damon Hurd and Pedro Camello, AUG031946, $3.50
A Sort of Homecoming #2 (Of 3) by Damon Hurd and Pedro Camello, OCT032024, $3.50
A Sort of Homecoming #3 (Of 3) by Damon Hurd and Pedro Camello, DEC032049, $3.50
My Uncle Jeff by Damon Hurd and Pedro Camello, STAR19971, $3.95
The White Elephant by Damon Hurd and Christopher Steininger, MAR042172,$8.95

Aim to Dazzle #1 by Dean Haspiel, STAR18706,$3.50
Opposable Thumbs #1 by Dean Haspiel, MAY011908, $4.95

At The Seams by Ed Brubaker, APR970889, $2.95

Bipolar #2 by Tomer and Asaf Hanuka & Etgar Keret, FEB031705, $2.95
Bipolar #3 by Tomer and Asaf Hanuka & Etgar Keret, AUG021800, $2.95
Bipolar #4 by Tomer and Asaf Hanuka & Etgar Keret, FEB031703, $2.95

Cusp by Thomas Herpich, STAR17617, $3.95
Gongwanadon by Thomas Herpich, APR042245, $4.95

Fancy Froglin’s Sexy Forest by James Kochalka, STAR19473, $12.95
Fantastic Butterflies by James Kochalka, STAR16427, $14.95
Mermaid by James Kochalka, FEB981117, $2.95
Peanutbutter & Jeremy’s Best Book Ever (all ages) by James Kochalka, SEP031997,$14.95
Peanutbutter & Jeremy: Nest & Window Exchange by James Kochalka, STAR16762, $2.95
Quit Your Job by James Kochalka, STAR16112, $6.95
Sunburn by James Kochalka, JUL001552, $2.95

further Grickle by Graham Annable, STAR20266, $14.95
Grickle by Graham Annable, STAR13433,$14.95

Grand Gestures by Robert Ullman, STAR18392, $3.95

Lemon Kids #1 by Steven Weissman, DEC981048, $2.95

Magic Whistle #1 by Sam Henderson, JAN981201, $2.95
Magic Whistle #2 by Sam Henderson, MAY980959,$2.95
Magic Whistle #3 by Sam Henderson, NOV981083, $2.95
Magic Whistle #4 by Sam Henderson, OCT001841, $2.95
Magic Whistle #5 by Sam Henderson, JUL011796, $2.95
Magic Whistle #6 by Sam Henderson, JAN022172, $2.95
Magic Whistle #7 by Sam Henderson,JUN021977, $2.95
Magic Whistle #8 by Sam Henderson, OCT022291, $2.95
Magic Whistle #9 by Sam Henderson, DEC032045, $11.95

The Masochists by Nick Bertozzi, STAR16817, $14.95
Rubber Necker #1 by Nick Bertozzi, STAR18999, $3.50
Rubber Necker #2 by Nick Bertozzi, STAR19000, $3.50
Rubber Necker #3 by Nick Bertozzi, STAR18942, $3.50
Rubber Necker #4 by Nick Bertozzi, NOV031971, $3.50

Never Ending Summer by Allison Cole, DEC032044, $11.95

RabbitHead by Rebecca Dart, FEB042052, $4.95

Salmon Doubts by Adam Sacks, MAR042170,$14.95

Spectacles #1 by Jon Lewis, MAR970730, $2.95
Spectacles #2 by Jon Lewis, MAR970728, $2.95
True Swamp: Stoneground and Hillbound by Jon Lewis, JUN011872, $4.95
True Swamp: Underwoods and Overtime by Jon Lewis, JUL001551, $4.95

Strum & Drang: Great Moments in Rock ‘n’ Roll by Joel Orff, STAR18518, $6.95

Subway Series by Leela Corman, STAR16775, $9.95

Sweaterweather (all ages) by Sara Varon, STAR18948, $11.95

Titans of Finance by Josh Neufeld and R. Walker, STAR16777, $3.50
The Vagabonds #1 by Josh Neufeld,APR031923, $2.95

Urban Hipster #1 by David Lasky and Greg Stump, DEC022415 $2.95
Urban Hipster #2 by David Lasky and Greg Stump, DEC022416, $2.95

When I’m Old and Other Stories by Gabrielle Bell, STAR18175, $12.95

Yellow Baby #1 by Jed Alexander, MAY031912, $3.95


Jeff Mason - Publisher
Alternative Comics

Web: http://www.indyworld.com/altcomics
Forum: http://www.talkaboutcomics.com/index2.php?c=28#alt

The Greatest Thing To Ever Happen On The Internet, Ever.

Gojira's meme-thing has already attracted two participants: Dave Fiore and Rick Geerling.

There's still time to get in on the ground floor and claim future bragging rights on answering Proust's Questionnaire back when it was still sorta cool, folks. Not a lot of time, though: You can probably safely hold your breath waiting for it to become the next computer-animated dancing baby/all your base belong to us/Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, so get introspective/self-absorbed and start writing.

The 22nd step on the last road home.

GOJIRA ISSUES A MEME

I thought it would be fun to get one of those "meme" things going -- they're like trying to get a "wave" going at a baseball game, right? Those always look like fun, but whenever I start standing up and down, yelling and waving my arms, the crowd freaks the fuck out and flees and the next thing I know, The Man is trying to shove an Oxygen Destroyer down my throat or up my ass. So, here's the next thing for me!

I found a copy of the Proust questionnaire online, and what's cooler and more fun than Proust and talking about yourself, huh???

Copy and paste the questions below and answer them in your blog [and link to this post or I'll smash you and your pitiful home flat]! Let's get an intellectual wave a goin'!!! WooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo!!!!!

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The years 1978-1983.

Where would you like to live?
Having Pangaega back would be nice.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
Good friends, good conversation and a few metric tons of good food.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Vanity, careless destruction, masturbation.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Rokkuchan, Umberto Domenico Ferrari, Ethan Edwards.

Who are your favorite characters in history?
Buddha, Barnum Brown, Abraham Lincoln.

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
Momoko Kochi, Rei Kikukawa, Margaret Sanger.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Carol Ainsley McCoy, Kitty Pryde, Mary Magdalene.

Your favorite painter?
Franz Kline.

Your favorite musician?
Akira Ifukube.

The quality you most admire in a man?
Assuming you mean a male human: His opposable thumbs.

The quality you most admire in a woman?
In a female human: The ability to go into heat and mate at will.

Your favorite virtue?
Strength.

Your favorite occupation?
Actor.

Who would you have liked to be?
Akira Kurosawa.

Your most marked characteristic?
My enormous heart.

What do you most value in your friends?
Their lack of fear.

What is your principle defect?
My mighty body.

What is your dream of happiness?
A world where everything is my size.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Nuclear War.

What would you like to be?
Done with this questionnaire!

In what country would you like to live?
I already live here!

What is your favorite color?
Charcoal Gray, the same as my skin.

What is your favorite flower?
Chrysanthemum.

What is your favorite bird?
The Seagull.

Who are your favorite prose writers?
Haruki Murakami, Kobo Abe, Raymond Chandler.

Who are your favorite poets?
T.S. Eliot, Edgar Lee Masters, Edward Arlington Robinson.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Tomoyuki Tanaka, Toshiro Mifune, Orson Welles.

What are your favorite names?
Godzilla, ThundaLizard54, BigDaddyDino, Fuckstick Le Deux.

What is it you most dislike?
The National Guard.

What historical figures do you most despise?
Paul W. Tibbets, Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan.

What event in military history do you most admire?
The Battle of Mikatagahara.

What reform do you most admire?
The dismantling of Japan's nationalist military complex following WWII.

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Flight.

How would you like to die?
My atomic heart explodes, reducing you tiny cretins to a cinder.

What is your present state of mind?
I'm really starting to hate filling this thing out.

What is your motto?
"All attack any creature with more than one head on general principle."

GOJIRA RETURNS AND FOTOBLOGS

Yes, that's right my pale little meat twig friends, I have returned. I've had an assful of explaining who I am every week; if you don't know, go look at the Saturday entries in the archives to find out.

Since my dear pal Milos is so hepped up about jepgs these days, here's a little something I made a few weeks ago:



I did it when Warren Ellis had a FanSign thing going. I got a little too excited by the chance to play with Microsoft Paint and kinda missed the point of the exercise -- I guess you're supposed to take a picture of yourself with the URL, not draw it on top of photo you already have -- so I never sent it to him. Still, it's rather snazzy graphic work for a three-fingered, 500-foot-tall dinosaur, would you disagree?

The 20th step on the last road home.

A Columbia, MD, Safeway: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

I don't know why, but this guy's photos crack me up. I guess if you put a nerd dressed as an Imperial Stormtrooper anywhere other than at a big nerdcon, it's automatically funny. If I had any money, I'd sink it into making an amateur porno starring a guy in a Stormtrooper outfit, just to see if it's funny. Aw, who am I kidding? Of course it would be funny. I'd laugh at snuff films if the poor, crazy bastards indulged in some STAR WARS cosplay in them. [Insert joke about the FACES OF DEATH movie series being rereleased with new CGI effects, new scenes and a laugh track here.]

Admit it -- Nick Berg's murder wouldn't have been nearly as tragic if they had plonked a Darth Vader helmet/mask on his head before they cut it off. Just imagine a Humvee of Marines rolling down a Bagdad or Kabul side street when a dozen or so insurgents dressed as Imperial Stormtroopers leap out of their hiding places and bushwhack them; even the Marines would laugh at such a ridiculous sight, as they were riddled with bullets and rocket-propelled grenades. A few of Our Boys would be dead -- all George Lucas' fault.

Enough nightmare fuel to last a lifetime.

While I'm at it: I'm sure these folks are lovely people and fine parents, but if I ever need images for an ad campaign to encourage abortion and strict birth control, I know what photographer I'm contacting first.

The 18th step on the last road home.

On Mr. Westmoreland's Time

"I see you don't wear a wristwatch. That's smart, boy -- these days, there are clocks everywhere. When I was your age, only rich people had clocks, but you know how the folks in my neighborhood figured out the time? We looked at the sky; you know, check where the sun was in the sky. It got the job done to our satisfaction! [Laughs.] But if you have a clock on your arm, you can go about your business knowing what time it is. If you don't have that, but you see a clock on a streetcorner, you'll know what time it is from that clock, you know. But if you have the wristwatch and the streetcorner clocks and they don't agree, you don't know what time it is.

These fancy, exact clocks all around, they'll tell you what time it is to the second, what today's date is, even what the temperature is in Celsius and Fahrenheit -- but very few of them agree on what time it is. The more exact they get, and the more of them you get together, the less they agree with each other. That's weird, man. I remember when the millimeter was invented, it didn't make all the rulers and tape measures measure different!

I hate metronomes, MIDI synch-ups, quantified drum-machine beats, click tracks -- all that junk may improve how "correct" music is, but it does nothin' to improve how it feels. I still look at the sky when I need to know what time it is." -- Sometime in 1991

Going by this, my computer's clock in four minutes slow, my television clock is three minutes fast, my microwave and alarm clocks are three minutes fast, and my wall clock was [eight hours and] ten minutes fast. I still own no wristwatch, and when I'm outside, I check the time by looking at where the sun is in the sky.

The 14th step on the last road home.