So, this got me thinking about Batman-With-Gun. For those of you not in the know, Batman-With-Gun is like regular Batman, but with a gun. He was the first model, but got phased out for a gunless version after just a few issues.

I prefer Batman-With-Gun to Gunless Batman -- especially if the gun is the one his parents were killed with and Batman-With-Gun only uses it to shoot the people he thinks are crooks when they're asleep. I'm pretty sure this version doesn't actually exist, but I'd like to think it does.

Here's how it works: Batman-With-Gun breaks into a "crook's" house. He sneaks into the "crook's" bedroom, where we can hear the sound of snoring. Batman-With-Gun pulls out his .45, undoes its safety while slowly moving toward the bed ... Suddenly, he stubs his toe on a nightstand, which wakes the "crook" up! Holy Holster Your Pistol, Batman-With-Gun! The shit's on! Then the sleepy crook and Batman-With-Gun beat on each other until the cops arrive and tell Batman-With-Gun to beat it unless he has proof the guy's a crook!

Later, Batman-With-Gun stops by the Exposition Saloon after closing time to collect his protection money and underworld information from the bartender/owner, and then park a few slugs in the heads of all the villains passed out in the alley. Another job well done, Batman-With-Gun! Just after sunrise, Batman-With-Gun swings by the local Gotham "goth" club and shoots all the vampires there, who are taking a little nap after throwing one of those "raves" I read about in NEWSWEEK while I was killing time in my dentist's waiting room last week. No ne'er do well shall escape Batman-With-Gun's gun sight!

See, Batman-With-Gun is a very driven fellow; his parents' murderer was never caught, mostly because the murder weapon was never found [Bruce hid it so he could later use it to kill the killer] so Batman-With-Gun's hunt for the man who done shot his maw and paw hasn't gone very well. Hey -- When you're 7 years old and just saw a ZORRO movie and then Mommy and Daddy getting gunned down, your long-term planning isn't so good, so cut the kid some fucking slack. Anyway, Batman-With-Gun kills all the criminals he sees just to be safe. Sooner or later, he'll kill the right asshole. This, Batman-With-Gun swears!

Sleep with one eye open or during the day, crooks -- Batman-With-Gun has a bullet with your name on it!!! In some cases, TWO bullets!!!! Count on it!!!!!

No comments: