I'm Gojira, blah blah blah. Let's get to the mail:
dearest gojira, will you be attending any popular culture conventions this year like the san diego comicon or the various g-fan shows? what do you think of them in general?
I don't go to nerdcons mostly because I hate nerds, but also they remind me of a sad story from my past. In 1970, I was on a private cruise with my dear friend and mentor Orson Welles, his lovely collaborator/companion Oja Kodar -- the were in town to hustle up some money to keep production of THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WIND going [at one point, I was going to produce the whole thing and play the aging bullfighter/film director protagonist in the film, but my studio had me in an ironclad exclusive contract til 1975]-- and my agent Morty.
We were just off the San Diego coast when we dropped anchor and Orson and I went swimming. From where I stood, I could see the line of little nerdlings waiting to enter the convention hall for the first San Diego Comicon. Once I realized what was going on over there, I saw an opportunity to do the world a favor by wiping a huge concentration of dorks and their depressingly large amounts of disposable income from this Earth. I was working up a little tsunami to soften the con center up for me to incinerate with my mighty atomic breath when Orson, who was floating on a Boogie Board next to me, said something like "Come on, my good man -- they're NERDS, utterly invisible to the ladies. They'll never breed, and will thus be gone in a generation -- and what is a man's generation to a creature as eternal as yourself?"
Now, the children of those nerds debate about who would win in a fight, Unicron or Godzilla -- and I have no one to blame but myself. I should've known that there had to be female nerds -- there is no front with a back, no ying without a yang, no lingham without a yoni -- and that they weren't so socially retarded to not figure out how to breed eventually. So, I don't like conventions, because their existance rubs my nose in the fact that I failed to seize a chance to make the world a better place.
Send Gojira any comments/questions you would like him to answer at gooseberrysprig "at" yahoo.com. This column doesn't write itself, you know.